Look Jokes

How did he get from Afghanistan to Iraq?

Iran (He ran). Thought of this when looking at the world map, sorry that it's terrible.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What do you call someone who claims to do drugs to try to look cool?

A marajuannabe.

Why can't we feed the animals?

Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

What are they both thinking?

Don't look down.

Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?

They looked both ways before they crossed.

Why "hooters"?

Who decided breasts looked like owls They were wrong.

What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

Look, Ma! No hands!

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?

A: So he could look like his mama.

How did you find the steak, sir?

The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."

What do you call a robber who looks like David Beckham?

Bandit like Beckham

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay

Why are you being so salty?

Her response - with a flat, even look: "I've been well seasoned." I lost it

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

What do you call it when you are looking for your Subaru Forrester in a parking garage?

Finding Forrester

How can you double your money?

Look at it in a mirror.

What brand is it?

Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It's donut glaze.

Why do marble statues look so mean?

A: They have hearts of stone.

What happened out there?

I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

Which 20th century President's wife looked like she could have been LGBT?

Eleanor Brucevelt.

Why couldn't the man be bothered to look at the origami mountains?

because it was pay-per view.* "paper view"

How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie?

An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

Look out for the mice!

Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning?

A: Because he can't see through the wall.

How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Why use words you don't understand in your tweets?

It just makes you look photosynthesis.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

What makes Stevie wonder?

What everything looks like.

Why's he in his underwear?

Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

What does Andre 3000's menorah look like on the last day of Hanukkah?

ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT

What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios?

A. Donut seeds.

How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party?

Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

What do elephants say as a compliment ?

You look elephantastic !

How did she tell them apart?

She looked at their last names...

Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

The man responds "If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!"

How do people look at the internet?

Me: How Him: With their google-y eyes

Why couldn't Princess Leia get any dates?

She was looking for Alderaan men.

Why do mice have long tails ?

Well they'd look silly with long hair !

When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

it's a rhetorical question I know this now

What's the word for interested in something, but not enough to look it up on Wikipedia?

That.

How does Rhianna look after a date with Chris Brown?

White and gold.

What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?

Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.

What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing. Me: 4: Me: OK. Parenting is easier than it looks.

What's black &amp grey and also looks good on a cop?

The World Trade Center

What are we gonna name our band?

from crowd look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*

How do you find the defendant?

Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it

Why was the New Englander so intent on looking for his khakis?

Cuz he needed to pahk da cah in da yahd.

Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.

How do you know a North Korean robbed your house?

All your printer paper is gone and when you look at the printer history it's all Kim Jong-un.

Which dog looks like a cat?

A police dog in disguise.

Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

Why did the negative number look so surprised?

He was nonplussed.

Why, don't you look nice!?

I said, "Thanks." "It wasn't a compliment." she added.

How do I look today?

Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."

Why is a sorority the safest place to be during a zombie apocalypse?

Because they're looking for braaaaaaaaaains

What do you say when Kim Kardashian burns to the ground?

Look at all that ash...

What's a turtle's favorite type of shoe?

Green clog. (looks almost like a turtle shell)

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

Not yet," she replied

What did the stoplight say to the car?

Don't look, I'm changing!

What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?

You don't want to look down.

Who's a good girl?

WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Why do some fish always look high?

Because of all the seaweed.

Why are black crimes hard to solve?

Because they're all criminals and they look the same.

Why are the waiters in here so nasty?

Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.

What did the illiterate Mexican say to the funny looking bottle of mayonnaise?

LMAO"

Why are Astronauts seen as condescending?

Because all they do is look down at people.

What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud. Me: No, what do you imagine it could be 3-year-old: Rain.

What do black people and apples have in common?

They both look better hanging.

Who does the butcher look forward to seeing after a tough day at work?

His loving knife.

Who does he look like?

I'm like, 'Your husband'

What's the matter son?

The boy next door said I look just like you What did you say Nothing he's bigger than me !

Who were the Tallest Man in the World's roll models?

Nobody, he had no one to look up to.

What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?

Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

What's with Jane ?

It doesn't look good" "Yeah, I know, I'm asking about her health"

What did one Pencil say to the other ?

Your looking Sharp!

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?

Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english)

What type of board will you be riding?

Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A: A red bucket.

What looks better... than roses your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

What have I got in my hands?

A double decker bus! You looked!

Why do bears have fur coats ?

Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

How hard is it to find cigarettes?

Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

Why do you look out the window in the morning?

A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans. (I'm sorry)

How do you keep a idiot occupied?

I will tell you how in my next post- Jk the answer's in one of the comments, look through every single one and you are destined to discover the answer.

What do you call a good looking canyon?

Gorge-ous

Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

How does a Scandinavian man catcall?

Hey, you look like someone that could show me the right bus to take."

How do all racist jokes start?

Looks over left shoulder* *Looks over right shoulder*

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I'm looking at you.

What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?

Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name

How can you tell what clan a Scottish man is from?

Look under his kilt and if he has a quarter pounder then he is a McDonald.

What does it look like when someone is drowning?

lol

Why can't Jesus play Football?

He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal

What's the difference between a 6 year old and a 16 year old?

Which hole they stick their finger in when no-one's looking.

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Pick Jokes More Pick Jokes

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

How many pick-up artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero. They just keep praising and negging it, and then get upset when it doesn't screw.

Mirror Jokes More Mirror Jokes

Why did the invisible man look in the mirror?

To make sure he still wasn't there.

What did the cheese say to itself in the in the mirror?

halloumi

Lifespan Jokes More Lifespan Jokes

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What is the lifespan of an owl?

6 1/2 books.

Live Jokes More Live Jokes

What is slimy and wobbly tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas?

A red jellyfish.

What do you call a man with no will to live?

Willis.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What do you call a Russian ninja?

Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)

What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks

Lord Jokes More Lord Jokes

Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings?

Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Gynecologist Jokes More Gynecologist Jokes

What do you call a doctor who is trained in neurosurgery and is covering for a gynecologist?

A pervert.

Why did the gynecologist giggle during the pap smear?

I don't know. It was an inside joke.

Spend Jokes More Spend Jokes

What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?

A Rastapartying

What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.