Difference Jokes

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.

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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" The other says, "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!

What's the difference between one polar bear and 10 polar bears?

9 polar bears (joke on a mug at work. lame, ik)

Whats the difference between a woman and a plate?

You can lick a plate dry

What's the difference between Santa Claus and A Black Rapper?

Santa stops after three hoes.

What's the difference between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson?

Only one of them knows how to dodge a bullet.

What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown?

Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet

What's the difference between a gun and a wife?

You can silence a gun.

What's the difference between a barrel rider, and a can of Copenhagen?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a can of Copenhagen.

What's the difference between a cigarette and my exwife?

Cigarettes don't scream when they're burning.

What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags it's tail, while the other tags a whale

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What's the difference between John Kenndy Jr. and Ted Kennedy?

Ted can swim away from an accident.

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie the other prowls on the hairy.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar twenty five, deer nuts are under a buck

What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk?

A mootation

What's the difference between juice and cider?

I can't go deep in juice.

What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?

Age

What's the difference between the IRS and a baby?

It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.

How do you tell the difference between a meth head and a hillbilly?

The meth head still has teeth.

What's the difference between me and a dentist?

The dentist pulls it out when it hurts.

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

On less person is drunk

What is the difference between a Ferrari and 4 dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

What's the difference between a dead baby and my ex-girlfriend?

There isn't one...

What's the difference between a Maine girl and a moose?

15 lbs and a flannel shirt.

What's the difference between a green bean chickpea?

No one has ever paid to have a green bean on their chest

What's the difference between Whitney Houston and a black widow?

Nothing. Neither can climb out of a bathtub.

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola?

At least Ebola will finish me off

What's the difference between a pedant and a sadist?

A sadist is honest about his intentions. That probably wasn't funny, but what do I know?

What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey?

The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.

What is the difference between a laddie and a lady?

One has a d where the other doesn't.

What's the difference between Italian and Polish sausage?

About 2-3 inches.

What's the difference between a Canadian woman and a moose?

50 pounds and a flannel.

What's the difference between a zombie and a redneck?

One is a brainless, dirty, slow moving abomination, and the other is a zombie.

What's the difference between a School and an ISIS training ground?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

What is the difference between a crackhead and a walrus?

One tooth

What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of midgets playing chess?

The latter is a group of cunning runts.

What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand?

Respiridol

What's the difference between terrorists and tourists?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What is the difference between a polar bear and the World Series?

One has cubs

What's the difference between a horse and a zebra?

A lawyer.

What's the difference between a brothel and a circus?

Your mother never ran away to join the circus.

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?

A fruit doesn't need a wheelchair

What is the difference between Spiderman and Superman?

Peter Parker can swing a web. Clark Kent.

What's the difference between love and herpes?

Herpes last forever.

What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and a woman?

Inserting a rod into the reactor turns it off.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?

The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.

What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while being nailed.

What's the difference between a clever child and a rude marathoner?

One's a cunning runt...

What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu?

one requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'. i'm sorry.

What's the difference between a wide receiver and Ray Rice's wife?

The NFL will review the tape of the wide receiver getting hit

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter?

10 "number 1's" and a not guilty verdict

What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ?

Independence Day

What's the difference between spider man and superman?

peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.

What's the difference between a telemarketer and a man with a multiphobic personality?

One gets lots of annoyed hangups, the other has a lot of annoying hangups.

What's the difference between Ray Rice's wife and a fish?

A fish can take a left hook.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between a black man and happiness?

You can't buy happiness!

What's the difference between a cow and September 11?

You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team?

One is a group of cunning runts.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes, but you can't pee soup. (sorry sorry. Really. I've loved this joke since I was... oh.. six...)

What's the difference between a turtle and a tortoise?

I don't know but your mother's a whore!

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between organized crime and politics?

One's organized.

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?

One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.

What's the difference between a Palestinian woman and a Mackerel?

One is greasy with big eyes. The other's a fish.

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One's against the law, and the other's a sick bird.

What is the difference between a horror fiction writer and a disabled physicist?

Haw

What's the difference between a schoolmaster and a stationmaster?

The stationmaster minds trains while the schoolmaster trains minds.

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

The nun has hope in her soul!

What's the difference between A pope and THE pope?

bout tree fiddy.

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?

Nothing, someone's losing the trailer. -Robin Williams

What's the difference between Karate and Judo?

Karate is a martial art and Judo is used to make bagels.

What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger?

An egg gets laid before it cracks.

What's the difference between Bono and Jesus?

Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.

What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?

Jesus doesn't have any tattoos of Mexicans.

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

One's weasily recognised - the other's stoatally different

What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp?

A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

What's the difference between a happy person and ET?

A happy person has a light heart and ET has a heart light

What's the difference between a moan and a scream?

About 3 inches

What's the difference between a million dollar car and a pile of dead babies?

There's no million dollar car in my garage.

What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.

What's the difference between dead animals on the road and dead lawyers on the road?

Dead animals have skid marks AROUND them

What is the difference between Elliot Rodgers and Malaysia Airlines?

Malaysia Airlines only has been shot down once.

Whats the difference between Yoghurt and the USA?

Yoghurt has a culture.

What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

One has a job.

What's the difference between communism and capitalism?

In the former, man exploits man, in the latter, it's exactly the opposite.

What is the difference between a sock and a camera?

A sock takes five toes and a camera takes photos.

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

What's the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest?

A pimple waits until you're 13-years-old before coming on your face.

What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus?

Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.

What's the difference between up and down?

It all depends on how you look at it

What's the difference between a black person and cancer?

Cancer got Jobs

What's the difference between England and a cup of tea?

The teabag stays in the cup longer.

What's the difference between lobsters and crabs?

I don't lobsters!

What's the difference between England and a teabag?

The teabag stays in the cup longer.

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer!

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Sale Jokes More Sale Jokes

Why does Barbie hate Amazon?

because they're always putting sales out on ken-dolls.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we've been through this, our cashiers aren't for sale.

Dead Baby Jokes More Dead Baby Jokes

What's harder than nailing 10 dead babies to a tree?

Nailing one dead baby to 10 trees.

What is worse than finding 100 dead babies in a trash bin?

Finding 1 dead Baby in 100 trash bins.

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What is strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand...

What is the best letter who represent a man?

A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How do I know Sarah's a vegetarian?

Because I've me herbivore.

How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's?

It smells like teen spirit.

Joan Jokes More Joan Jokes

Where could you look up Joan of Arc's profile?

On Tinder.

What do you call someone who is obsessed with Joan of Arc?

A heroine addict.

Diaper Jokes More Diaper Jokes

Why are diapers like $10 bills?

Because you have to change them.

Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?

Because they're in continents.

Canadian Jokes More Canadian Jokes

How can you tell there is a Canadian in your closet?

You can hear someone scooting aboot in it

Why do Canadians not pay attention to their local wildlife?

Because there's nothing to care-aboot. (caribou)

15 Minute Jokes More 15 Minute Jokes

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle. Extra: What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.