Know Jokes

What are you typing?

Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.

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What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?

I don't know.

Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?

AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language

How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near?

A: The leash goes slack.

How do you know when you are in bed with a witch ?

She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !

When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

do NOT respond with "I know, right !"

How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?

A: The knocking always speeds up.

How many groupies does it take to change a light-bulb?

None, they all know someone that does it for them.

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

No one knows. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

How do you know he's a peeping tom?

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Why didn't the Eskimo want to go hunting?

I don't know, guess he just wasn't Inuit.

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What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years?

Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision

What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about?

Ooops... wrong sub.

How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don't know. Olive ewe Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101

Where do I see myself in ten years?

I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

How do I know you're not a cop?

If I was a cop, how would I have this " *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

What's the difference between a cake and a school bus ?

Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake !

How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered?

Waiter: Well you know how slow turtles are.

When someone asks "You know what I think?

I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

How do we know that Adam wasn't a black man?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man!! !

When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

What is the outside of a tree called?

Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.

How do you know a Muslim is lying?

their lips are moving

What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek?

Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.

How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?

He foamed at the mouth.

Why are law students known for drinking?

They are getting ready for the Bar exam.

How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq?

They'll tell you.

How do you get a hipster to take a shower?

Give them a leaky showerhead. You know, so they can avoid the main stream.

What has 4308 eyes, 28957 legs, and 398503 teeth?

I don't know, but if you see it, RUN!

When the crooked hamburger took it on the 'lamb' where did it go?

Oh 'ewe' know!

How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

Who's there ! Becker ! Becker who ?

Becker the devil you know !

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.

What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That's an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

Why don't we say Grace?

Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry

What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See?

I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"

What do you get when you mix Fascism and Communism?

I don't know, that's why I was asking you.

How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Because a tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

What dinosaur knows the most words?

Thesaurus. :/

When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

it's a rhetorical question I know this now

When does a dyslexic person know they've bought the wrong SUV?

When they're in Denali.

Where does Iron Man live?

Iron know.

How can we know atheism exists?

Where's the evidence

How do German women know when they're pregnant?

They're never late...

How do I know thieves are bad kissers?

Because apparently I make out like a bandit.

How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done before

How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.

Why would you chase a waterfall?

They don't move to different spots you know. It's pretty much just right there.

Why's everyone so afraid of clowns?

Well.. You know what they say about big feet.

How much does wonton soup weigh?

One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.

When I was your age... When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what?

We were thankful.

How do you know a North Korean robbed your house?

All your printer paper is gone and when you look at the printer history it's all Kim Jong-un.

How do you know that a plane from the UK has landed?

An hour after its landed its still whining.

How do U know it's the wrong hole?

No one has done this before, it's just us two you know

How do we know God likes condoms?

Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure

How do you know it's going to be a white christmas?

It's approaching with deceptive speed.

How would you feel if I die?

Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!

What happened when the elephant sat on the car?

A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!

What about yours?

Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you...

How do you know a girl is into you?

Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.

What is the shortest, very funny joke you know?

ITT: comments about my dink, and people who can't search

What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food (Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

How do you know a woman is wearing tights?

Her knees swell up when she farts.

What's the difference between sheep and women?

The Welsh don't know yet either.

Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ?

because he didn't know Mandarin

What do children think of the world?

I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.

What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?

Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."

Whats the difference between a chicken and an alligator?

I don't know.

How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

Why did the feminist get fired from Panera?

Because she ate all the cookies and didn't know how to make a sandwich.

What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

Pupil: Dead I didn't even know he was sick!

How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave?

There's Starbucks next to the headstone.

How many girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know...

How do you know someone's an engineer?

No worries they will tell you

How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?

You can't take a rib from a black man

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How is God just like a regular man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

Why don't I have a record deal?

Then I take them out and I know why.

What do you get when your cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Ell if I know!

Who could that be?

It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...

How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.

Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter?

They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!

Where is everybody?

Everybody I don't know. All over the planet I guess.

How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

sigh* Parenting is hard.

How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

How many pork chops does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know it's lard to tell.

What are Turkish cattle best known for?

Mootiny.

What do you do to relax?

I enjoy people watching. - The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower. - I know.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...

What happens when you mix Jared from Subway and Bill Cosby?

I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.

How the hell would she know?

We only met last week!

How do you know if you have a tough mosquito ?

You slap him and he slaps you back !

Why was the cake afraid of mobsters?

He knew they were going to ice him.

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