Know Jokes

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?

Lots.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Coffee Mug

Why does that guy always get all the women?

I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich" "And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows"

Who are you?

You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record

What's the best part about having a blind partner?

You know they won't be seeing other people.

How do I know?

They have already told everybody about 6 times in 5 minutes

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

What do you call someone who is known for being heartless and cold to others?

Dead

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But I don't know how they got in there.

How do you know when your BBQ is ready in Canada in April?

The snow on top of it has melted.

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

How do you know the girl from Jaws had dandruff?

She left her Head &amp Shoulders on the beach

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What do you call a women who always knows where her husband is?

A widow

How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk?

When it's past your eyes.

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?

A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?

They'll tell you.

What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.

What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant?

Hell-if-i-know (my grandma's favorite joke)

What does a baby smell like in a microwave?

Nsfw I don't know I was too busy jerking off.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

Why did this OkCupid user never go out on a date?

A. "I couldn't imagine a date could be interested in knowing about me more than this website"

Why do we always ran out of toothpicks?

Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using.

Why did the blonde cross the road?

I don't know. Neither did she!

Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections?

Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.

How do you call a judge that only gives innocent veredicts because he gave up on law school and knows nothing?

a quitter.

What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?

Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!

What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

A bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose.

How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?

Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.

Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?

So they know where to stop shaving

How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

He read it in the Hobbituary.

How do you know if you are a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood

How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread?

Don't worry, someone will tell you.

What do you call someone who knows one?

American.

How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?

I don't know man, I just fly the drones.

How do you know if someone's an expert archer?

Put an apple on your head &amp stand still he'll Tell you.

What did one cheese say to the other?

I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate!

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art?

Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming "stay away from me!"

Why did the lost tourist cross the road?

The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?

A.It's cloged up with paper plates.

What did the one banana say to the other banana who had his feelings hurt?

I know that peel.

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

What supervillain do you know the least about?

Loki , because he is low-key.

What flavor is the milkshake?

How far away is the yard How could you know its better than mine You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

What's the most common question in Quantum Physics?

I don't know

How do you know when Santa's in the room?

You can sense his presents.

What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night?

Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.

How do crows know what time is it?

They have the knights watch .

Whats up?

Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin' M:Nutshells. S:Really Fine.What's poppin M:Corn. *Blocked*

What's the new baby hippo's name?

Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know he won't tell me.

What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows.

What do you think about the coming battle General?

God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?

Unbereavable.

Why are white people the scariest in prison?

Because you know they're guilty.

How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.

How 'bout this one?

Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.

What do you find in cells?

My Ans) Black People . . . I dont know why do they ask such weird questions in biology.

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

How do you know if a Polak is there?

A: He's the one with a duck.

Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud?

He doesn't know how to turn things down

How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has one clean finger.

How'd you catch it?

Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?

A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

How do you know Bernie Sanders got elected?

All your stuff has been donated to charity

What is the worst about having alzheimer's and dierrhea?

You're running but don't know where to.

How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

How do you do that?

I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet I know it's raining!

How many liberals does it take to defend America?

Nobody knows, they've never tried.

How do you bowl a 301?

Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost

How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard?

They'll tell you.

What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it?

A casket

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A thought.

What it is, sweetie?

3: shouting I POOPED! "Do you know what a secret is " 3: whispering no.

How do you deal with ignorant people?

I really don't know.

How do you know he isn't?

Because I am.

How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

What's up, Chad?

he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro "

How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children?

Because he's not apparent.

Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?

A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.

How could you know that?

Darth: I have felt your presents

How do you know that Hogwarts is feminist friendly?

The entrance is a dumbledore.

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don't know. It's a Mistery.

How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know. They just keep going on and on about how the last one broke.

What is a prime way of knowing when a retard is thirsty?

He'll have water on the brain.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day?

I want to know her secret

How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it must be an odd number because, "they can't even."

How do you know your house had chicken pox?

It has shingles.

What's the difference between a loaf of bread and a penguin?

I don't know what " "We're sure not sending you to the store!"

How do you make stupid children?

I don't know, ask your parents.

How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

When you know it is too cold in Bay Area?

When you see the programmer's hands are in their pockets.

What's going on under there?

Nobody has to know but you. - Poncho salesman

What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?

but we would never know because he couldn't stand up

How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?

Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel wet the soap and flood the bathroom.

What do you get if you cross a black person with an octopus?

I don't know but it would be excellent at picking cotton.

Why does not a forth-grader ever take the bus home?

Because he knew his parents will make him return it.

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Black Joke Jokes More Black Joke Jokes

What's the difference between a Mexican joke and a black joke?

Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal

What's the difference between a black joke and Mexican joke?

Nothing. If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

What did 6 say to 9?

Baby! Let's do a 69. Hahaha XD

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

Absolutely Jokes More Absolutely Jokes

What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl?

Everything. They have absolutely nothing in common.

What's white and 12 inches long?

Absolutely nothing.

Computer Jokes More Computer Jokes

Why did the computer act crazy?

It had a screw loose.

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

Hell Jokes More Hell Jokes

What the hell is this?

Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!

What the hell did you expect for ten dollars?

Lobster "

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you?

Camembert

How are skunks able to avoid danger?

By using their instinks and common scents!

Light Bulb Jokes More Light Bulb Jokes

How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

How many people from the future does it take to change a light bulb?

The lightbulb works fine...

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

What's better than swinging a dead baby around a tether pole?

stopping it with a shovel

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Slap her.