Money Jokes

What do you call an unfinished inflow of money?

Incomplete.

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What grey has a wand huge wings and gives money to elephants ?

The tusk fairy !

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

What's it like being a grown up?

Me hands her money: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly

What kind of money does Mario use?

8-bitcoins

What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader?

They gave him his money back.

Where does a river keep it's money?

At the bank.

Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?

He wanted rich milk!

When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that?

Now it would be for the prescriptions.

What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?

Kraut funding

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')

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How can you double your money?

Look at it in a mirror.

What kind of money do religious businesses make?

Prophet.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Where can you always find money?

In the dictionary.

What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?

Bernadette!

What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.

Where do snowmen keep their money ?

In a snowbank !

WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger etc. for free?

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message!

What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.

Why do wallets make so much noise?

Because money talks.

What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get?

Mine is a skittle.

How did you get into counterfeiting?

Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

Where does a hedge knight invest his money?

In a hedge fund

How can you make money fast?

Glue it to the floor.

Why do they attach chains to their pens?

If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

Where can I find that "4 Out Of 5 People Get Money In Their Birthday Cards" Birthday Card?

I've been checking online with no luck, unless I'm checking the wrong place

What do you call a condom full of money?

Johnny Cash.

What do women and Spotify ads have in common?

They're both annoying and want your money.

How do fast food restaurants make so much money?

OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!

Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff She's a criminal mastermind.

What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist?

By selling your guitar.

What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?

the woman asks her husband. "Keep sending them!"

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement?

A 401(K-9).

Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money?

She didn't believe in prophets.

What's the difference between a millennial and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money

What should you do if windows crashes cost you a lot of money?

A: You should bill Gates.

Why do you want to work in a bank Alan?

Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.

What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money?

Collect unemployment insurance!

How much money did the bronco have?

Only a buck!

What kind of money do polar bears use ?

Ice lolly !

Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?

Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money.

Where's my money?

a loan shark "Where are my friends - alone shark

How does the Hulk make money?

He flips houses.

What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?

Between us, I think we can make a lot of money!"

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin ?

There was some money in the kitty !

What kind of money do monsters use?

Weirdo (weird dough).

What does the twitter bird do when it needs money?

It goes to Twerk!

What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?

A gf gif gift grift

What can be said about a rich man who doesn't carry change with him?

He's got more money than cents

How can a can you double your money?

By folding it in half.

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

Where do Eskimos keep their money?

In snowbanks.

What's the best way to make money with a plus-size modeling agency?

Life insurance policies.

How did rich people get their money?

They were calm and collected.

What attracted you to our company?

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Where does Santa stash his money?

In a snowbank.

What kind of money do snowmen use?

Iced lolly.

When is the best time to raise money?

When there's a stripper in front of you.

How about the No Bucket Challenge?

Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.

What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money.

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ?

To see if there was any more money in the kitty !

What is it called when you give money to a plains bison?

A buffaloan!

Why did Lamar give money to Kobe?

Because Lamar Odom

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?

A bunny with money.

Who's there ! Bellows ! Bellows who ?

Bellows me some money can I have it please !

Where do birds invest their money ?

In the stork market !

Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?

Because two halves make a whole (hole) and you could lose your money.

Why are hippies against capitalism?

Because money doesn't grow on trees.

Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.

Who's there ! Andrew ! Andrew who ?

Andrew all her money out of the bank !

Who are you and how do you get the time and money?

Teach me.

What type of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.

What will you be using the money for?

Me: "A divorce lawyer."

What is a jockey's motto?

Put your money where your mount is!

What about my atm card which holds all my money?

Any 4 numbers in a row."

Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

How do you launder money?

Put it under the soap.

How does a dishwasher make his money?

Panhandling

Why are there so many piggy banks?

Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.

Why won't a black man go see a 3d movie?

He'd rather spend his money on a forty

What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?

I'm paw !

How much money does the Treasurer of the United States make?

All of it.

How do dating sites in Alabama save money?

They link to Ancestry.com

What is the quickest way to double your money ?

Fold it in half !

What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon?

A Brazillionaire!

What's six inches long that women love?

Folding money.

Why didn't the lawyer monkey make any money?

Because he did all his work pro bonobo

What does Stevie Wonder call his money?

Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend

Who's there ! Checkmate ! Checkmate who ?

Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in the bank !

How many Elvis impersonators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One for the money, two for the show.

How do you expect us to loan you money if you can't prove to us that you don't need it?

Banks

Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money?

In a shavings account.

Why do stoners spend so much money?

because they're high rollers

What does a traffic cop do when he wins some money?

Buys an intersection for a private business work.

Why did your sister feed money to her cow ?

Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Who's there ! Cannelloni ! Cannelloni who ?

Cannelloni some money till next week

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What do you do when you miss your ex?

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Why is physics inherently racist?

There's only two types of bodies: the free body and the black body.

Why do you make more money?

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What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?

I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.

What's a difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"

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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's arse?

A mechanic.

How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has one clean finger.

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What Type of Fruit Wants to Run Away and Get Married but Isn't Able to?

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Why did a seal go to the bar?

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What'll it be kid?

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Why is the food so cold and bland?

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What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you?

You pull the trigger again.

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Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth