Bed Jokes

How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

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How do you get a woman from to be, to bed?

Give her the D.

How do you know when you are in bed with a witch ?

She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !

What's the difference between my bed and my imagination?

You aren't naked in my bed.

What do you do when Ronda says "Not Tonight"?

Kick her out of bed

Why did the bear run around his bed?

He wanted to catch up on his sleep.

Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

he was undercover *!*

What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

How do Australians sleep?

With their heads at the foot of the bed.

Why do men get erections while they sleep?

So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.

Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!

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Why are black girls tame in bed?

Because they have no daddy issues.

How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

Why was the policeman in bed?

Because he was an undercover cop

Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?

Because he sleeps on a waterbed !

Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?

I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

For smoking in bed.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?

Bed buglars.

How long does Charlie Sheen last in bed?

Two and a half minutes.

Why did the boy take the ruler to bed?

He wanted to see how long he slept.

What type of cheese lives under your bed?

Muenster.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?

Run!

How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

Why do you say that?

Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake and gets me up when I'm sleepy!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?

When your nose touches the ceiling !

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?

You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.

How do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you?

He has a big E on his pajamas.

What's the best thing about 21 year olds in bed?

There's 21 of them

What's the real reason old men take Viagra?

So they don't roll out of bed!

This joke may have profanity.

What's better than a violin on your bed?

A fiddle between the sheets

Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?

Who cares

Why are you sleeping at your desk?

Me: Because my bed is at home.

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

You wake up wet !

How'd you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?

In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend

What do tigers wear in bed ?

Stripey pyjamas !

What's my type?

Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.

Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?

Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

Why did the bed spread?

Because it saw the pillow slip.

What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?

Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

What's Jay-z's favorite store?

Bed, bath and Beyond-ce.

Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?

She wanted to see how long she slept.

Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

What is long, hard and full of sperm ?

The sock under my bed.

How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

He replied... ...It's hard

What drives you?

Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus

Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?

He wrote sheet music.

When someone ask me... How are you?

I answer back... You mean in bed

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

What do astronauts wear to bed?

Space Jammies!

What is the definition of a Wife?

An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?

A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

What's long and hard and full of seamen?

The tube sock under my bed.

Why don't u share a bed?

cried Baby Bear.

Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?

It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.

Why would you take a hammer to bed?

A: So you could hit the sack.

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

To feed her nightmare.

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

Tennish!

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?

Sheet

What's bad about wetting your bed?

Urine it.

How can you shorten a bed?

Don't sleep long in it.

Why did Snow White go to bed?

She was feeling Sleepy.

Why did the kid punch the bed?

His mother told him to hit the hay.

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

How are you baby?

I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!

What's the longest you've stayed in bed?

I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke

What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?

A "no one will ever believe me".

What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed?

I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.

Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept for.

How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

How do you get an anorexic chick in bed?

Well, it ain't a piece of cake.

What do spies say in bed?

Shh I'm undercovers

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?

Your head hits the ceiling!

Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

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