Kid Jokes

Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"

Why did the photographer get arrested?

He was charged with shooting kids and framing the parents.

What's the difference between a kid and a cat?

Who has the diploma when you get rid of them.

Why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school?

They never got a reaction out of him.

Why did the Trix bunny hand out eggs?

Chicks are for kids!

How can you tell two people are married?

Both are yelling at the same kid.

Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids?

Because she married Mr. Softy!

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes? My all time favorite joke. Sorry if it has already been posted but who has the time to browse all of .

What's upside down and downside up at the same time ?

A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?

Names.

What happens when you take acid with a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?

Rastafriedrice

What did Pink Floyd say to Jerry Sandusky?

Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!

How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?

Mini-mom wage.

What was Justin Timberlake called when he was a kid?

Justin Timberpuddle!

What is the difference between michael jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with and the other holds your groceries

What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?

To boldly split infinitives!

What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her?

Stop using Chex as a weapon!

What is the difference between a creep and a kid?

I wouldn't let a creep sit on my lap.

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because all the kids have to play in side.

What's the difference between Ice Age 4 and Batman The Dark Knight?

The kids walked out of Ice Age 4... Alive

What's the difference between a meteor and a meteorite?

Ite. Sorry, a kid said this in elementary school and it was funny back then :)

Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids?

Ken came in a different box.

What's the difference between Stanley Yelnats and the rest of the kids in Holes?

He was just a nerdy digger.

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

How much do you love kids?

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky, how much do you love kids?

How can you tell if the kid that stole your bike is half black and half polish?

He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.

Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?

It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.

What's the best thing about kids?

Making them!!!

Why don't ghosts have kids?

Because they have Hollow-Weinies

What do you call a kid with one arm and three legs?

Unfortunate.

Where do kids with ADHD go for the summer?

Concentration camp.

What's the worst part about getting AIDS?

Having to tell your friend his kids should get tested.

What do you call a puppy in the desert?

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

How old are your kids?

kids "

Who's Gotye?

while their kids were like, "What's a record

Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad?

Are you kidding She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like

What's the most trifling thing about divorce when you have kids?

Child custardy

What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes...

What time do kids need naps?

A: At whine o'clock.

How to legalize animal poaching ?

Drop a kid in their zoo enclosure.

What did the science teacher say when the kid was experimenting with magnets?

May the force be with you"

Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?

Because they contain a lot of fowl language.

What are you up to?

Her: I'm making Chinese. Me: Cloning's unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

How do you make sure you have the best space party for your kid?

You planet early.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you kidding That's a hardware problem!

What do you get when a Mexican and Muslim have a child?

A kid who loves halalpenos

What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just...sobbing...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels

Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?

He had a lot of aspirations.

What are you doing, dad?

Filing taxes... LOLJK... I'm googling "non-extraditable countries". Pack your bags, kid! We're going to Libya!"

Which kid is yours?

Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'

Where are the kids?

me *turns around and goes back out*

Why don't kids like cheesy jokes?

they're too mature for their taste

Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

What did the handless box get for hristmas?

Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.

Where's the cake?

Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

What's the difference between a goat and a kid?

My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

What do you call a woman with six kids?

Lucy

What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

One of them got shot for touching a kid.

Why are you always rushing out of here after work?

You're single with no kids." Me: " Exactly."

Why are the only kids in Warsaw magnet schools from Central Poland?

Cause North and South Poles repel each other ...

What's the difference between Jared Fogle's divorce and other divorces?

Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.

What were ACDC called when they were kids?

ABCD

How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday?

By putting flowers on the grave.

Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?

Me: Kidding At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.

What's the difference between woman's breasts and a box of matches?

The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them. The situation is quite opposite with breasts.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common?

They both give kids a little head.

How do I raise my kids?

Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it

Why did the kids with the fancy bus try so hard?

Fo' Frizzle

What did the snail say while riding on the back of the tortoise?

Wheeeee!!!! --hey, at least it's a fun joke for kids!

What did the pirate say when his kids were about to watch their favorite cartoon?

ARE YE READY KIDS !

Why can't we feed the animals?

Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

What does R. Kelly say to his kids when they do something bad?

Urine trouble

What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

They are both over the counter strike

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?

Me too*

Which kid is mine?

I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."

When are YOU going to start having kids?

Me: When are you going to stop

What does a goat have when it gives birth?

A kid.

When she found out she said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Yes, I'm not kidding you." he said.

What do mentally retarded parents give their kids?

Hand me Downs.

What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

What is that behind your ear?

Nice try, too old for the coin trick" "No it's a tumor" "Oh my god" "Kidding it's a quarter"

Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?

Me: i have no idea what he's for

Why do Puerto ricans have so many kids?

Because pulling out is work!!!

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Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How can we build this?

A business major asks, "How can we finance this " A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that "

What did Joe Hill say when someone asked if he was Joe King?

No, I'm dead serious."

Mom Jokes More Mom Jokes

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

How fast can Klingon's run?

About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.

Santa Jokes More Santa Jokes

What did the racist ask Santa for?

A white Christmas.

How do you know that Santa is a man?

No woman wears the same attire every year.

Laugh Jokes More Laugh Jokes

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

Why do the ghosts never win races?

Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.

Peer Jokes More Peer Jokes

What do you call two guys using the same urinal?

Peers

How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing?

Your domain or mine

Mike Jokes More Mike Jokes

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.