Fish Jokes

What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women?

Tuna Fey.

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What were Jesus' final words?

So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

Where does the army keep fish?

In a tank.

What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

Who Loves Debates?

De fishes

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish. I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two-knee fish! (works better when you're drunk)

What kind of fish does Google have in their lobby?

bettas

What do you call a fish with diarrhea?

A Pooper Grouper!!!!!

What'd the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam!

What did the Spanish musician say when he went fishing?

Castanets!

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What do you call it when fish stop having babies?

Minnow-pause

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Boneless chicken

What do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money?

A goldfish!

What do you call a fish with 27 eyes?

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish

How many ADD's does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go fishing

What happened to the fish?

Me: It drowned. 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.

Why is fishing dangerous?

Sometimes, there's a catch

What fish is best to have in a boat?

A Sailfish.

What kind of fish will help you hear better ?

A herring aid !

What kind of fish is made from two sodium atoms?

A 2na

Why couldn't Batman go fishing?

A: Because Robin ate the worms.

How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?

Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

What do you call someone who photographs fish?

A school shooter

What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach?

A dead one...

What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish?

Czar-dines!

What did a disappointed Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he fished up a Salmon?

IT'S NOT A TUNA!!!"

What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?

The cast-a-net.

Why did the hipster never catch a fish?

Because he didn't go in the mainstream

Why did Bill Gates &amp?

Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".

Why can't a fish be a radio host?

Because if he goes on air, he'll die.

What fish is made of only two sodium ions?

2 Na :D

What kind of bar do fish go to?

A sand bar.

What's the difference... ...between a piano, a fish, and glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish "What about the glue " I knew you'd get stuck on that.

Why are fish no good at tennis?

They don't like to get too close to the net!

What is a sea monster's favorite dish?

A: Fish and ships.

Where are most fish found ?

Between the head and the tail !

What has got 8 legs and 1 eye?

2 chairs and a half of a fish.

Why didn't Noah go fishing?

A: He only had two worms!

Why did the fish not get accepted into college?

His grades were below sea level

Why do elephants jump across rivers?

So they won't step on the fish.

What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle?

You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."

Where do fish wash ?

In a river basin !

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

What do you call fish that taste two times as salty?

2Na

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

Fish !

What will santa bring your fish this christmas?

A scale letrix!

What are you fishing for sonny?

Boy: I'm not fishing I'm drowning worms.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales!

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?

A Perch!

What do you call a fish that is good for your bones?

An orthopedic sturgeon. :D

What do fish do when they have cancer?

Nemotherapy

Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?

If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.

What can I get ya?

And in a very raspy voice the fish says, "WATER"

Why are fish always on drugs?

They just keep getting hooked.

What did the fish say when he accidentally swam into a wall?

Oh dam

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A Fsh

What is a sea monster's favorite meal?

Fish and Ships

What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell?

Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*

Why do some fish always look high?

Because of all the seaweed.

What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

Tuna (2Na).

What do you call a fish who works for the government?

An Official.

When fish play football who is the captain ?

The team's kipper !

How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish?

He yelled, "A u, fish!"

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

What do you call a fish that's on its way to somewhere?

Salmon en route

What do fish smoke?

Seewead

What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano?

Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!

How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb?

A: A fish!

What happened to the girl who went fishing with a group of men?

She returned home with a red snapper.

Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

How many surrealist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish

What do you call a man who excels at fishing?

A master baiter

What does a Frog use to fish with?

A TAD POLE.

What's the difference between a flatfish and a good woman?

The fish doesn't know it's plaice.

What do you call a women that catches fish?

Annette

Why was the fish processing factory built beside the computer factory?

So that they could make fish and chips.

What do you call a fish that stands out?

Out of plaice.

What kind of fish has two knees?

A tunee fish.

What fish goes up the river at 100mph ?

A motor pike !

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !

What sort of net is useless for catching fish ?

A football net !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?

Damn!

What do you call a fish in a hurry?

Salman Rushdie.

What type of fish needs to be tuned?

Tune a fish

How do you stop a fish from smelling?

Cut its nose off.

What is the point of owning a fish?

They are just furniture with the ability to die.

What did the fish say for stinking up the sushi restaurant?

I am saury.

Why did the water level in the pond rise?

Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.

What's the best way to catch a fish?

Have someone throw it at you.

What sort of dance do fish do at parties ?

The conga !

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?

A harenet.

What do you get when you cross a fish with no eyes?

PETA

What fish only swims at night ?

A starfish !

What kind of fish loves to fix instruments?

A tuna.

Where did the fish go when it needed an operation?

To the sturgeon

Why did the fisherman keep taking off?

Because he was fly fishing.

What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?

I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH

What fish do road-menders use ?

Pneumatic krill !

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A FSSSSSHHHH

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Why don't Chinese people roll 12lb balls down wooden lanes to knock over pins?

Because to them it's boring.

What's the difference between you and I?

About 12 letters

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What's the difference between a politician and a tiger?

One of them is a big puss

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottsman?

Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" A Scottsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

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What where Adam's first words to Eve?

Don't wash it in there, you'll make the fish smell like that!"

What did the snake day to Adam after he bit the apple?

You owe Eve an O.

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Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

What kind of ships can't go in salt water?

Snail-boats

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Why do sharks only swim in salt water?

Got this is a Cracker Jack box) Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Why can't two elephants go swimming?

They only have one pair of trunks.

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What did the little girl say when opened up a box of Cheerios?

Awww, look daddy, doughnut seeds!!!

Why are women so afraid of looking stupid?

Because they don't want the world to know!

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What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby ?

20 minutes, thermostat 8.

What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?

A garbage truck

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What did the Terminator say when he decided to take up piano?

I'll be bach.

Who likes music?

asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.