Lawyer Jokes

Which lawyers are U2 fans?

The pro bono ones

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What does a lawyer wear to work?

A law-suit

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket filled with manure?

The bucket

What do you call a lawyer from krypton?

Sue-per Man

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot before he hits the water.

What did the lawyers say when they finished their basketball game?

Court is adjourned

What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits!

What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

He gets taller

This joke may have profanity.

What does a lawyer, a pine tree, and a hydrogen atom have in common?

Absolutely nothing.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar?

He shreds.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

Why do engineering students call themselves engineers?

You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.

What is it called when two lawyers are fighting?

Civil War

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vaccuum?

With a vaccuum, the dirtbag's on the inside!

What kind of suit does a lawyer like best?

The Spanish Inquisition.

Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're really nice people.

How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

A: It depends how hard you throw them.

What did the lawyer say after the short trial?

That was a brief case.

Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?

Because they have a claus in their contract.

How do two lawyers greet each other?

With a firm handshake.

What do you call a pack of sorority girls who aren't in law school?

Deez hoes ain't lawyers.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

What's common between a lawyer and an eccentric billionaire with bad teeth?

Both have a very expensive retainer.

What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him?

He got him diss barred.

Why are lawyers buried 18 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're all actually good people.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why do you want your lawyer to be a U2 fan?

Cos they're always pro-Bono

Why did the lawyer refuse to take payment when defending the lead singer of U2?

Because he said he was pro Bono.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We're both lawyers.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

How does a lawyer name their kids?

Bill and Sue

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator.

What happens when a lawyer dies??

Who cares!

What happens to lawyers after they die?

They lie still.

Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer?

He wanted someone who understood and case.

What clothes do lawyers wear to work?

Lawsuits.

What can a lawyer do that a duck can't?

Stick his bill up his arse.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

This joke may have profanity.

Why is it that lawyers get sick?

It's because they are ually obligated to do so.

Why does New York have all the lawyers while New Jersey got all the garbage dumps?

New Jersey got to pick first

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We're both lawyers.

Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got to choose first

Whats the odd one out ?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?

Because they both "practice" their professions.

What's the difference between a horse and a zebra?

A lawyer.

How do you stop a lawyer from drownng?

Shoot him before he hits the ground

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thick you slice 'em.

Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark?

Professional courtesy.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

Why the word redundancy when lawyers say cease and desist?

Billable vowels.

How are lawyers and apples similar?

They both look good hanging from a tree

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part

What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?

Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster?

The rooster clucks defiance.

What's the difference between Justin Bieber and a lawyer?

Some adults like lawyers.

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?

Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A)..... The rooster clucks defiance.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a teenage boy?

One is a master debater. The other is a masterbater.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Personality.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a lawyer and whore?

The lawyer can't guarantee to get you off.

This joke may have profanity.

Why are lawyers always buried 15 feet deep?

Because deep down they're good people.

Why do Steven Avery's victims see him naked from the waist down?

Because his lawyers keep filing away his briefs.

What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?

Barbers.

What did one lawyer say to the other?

we are both lawyers."

When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?

and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "

Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?

He had a lot of aspirations.

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra?

He got taller.

This joke may have profanity.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?

Because deep down, they're good people. Thanks Saul.

What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50?

Good morning your Honor!

Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?

New Jersey picked first.

What is your date of birth?

Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year " Witness: "Every year."

What is your fee?

Lawyer says: "1000 US dollars for 3 questions." Man: "Wow - so much! Isn't it a bit expensive " Lawyer: "Yes, what is your third question "

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

Never enough.

What does a lawyer say to another lawyer?

We are both a lawyer.

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.

How many calls do I get?

cop: one me: What do you think is more likely a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

You take your foot off the top of their head.

Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?

An attornity.

What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?

We are both lawyers.

When does a lawyer make coffee?

When he has sufficient grounds

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits.

You might also enjoy:

Like Jokes More Like Jokes