Miss Jokes

What's the difference between a bullet and a human?

A bullet doesn't miss Harambe

This joke may have profanity.

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What's the difference between bullets and everyone ?

Everyone misses Harambe.

Why did 10 go missing?

Because 9/11.

Who is he?

Crash Bandicoot God I miss this guy.

What did JFK Jr miss most about Martha's Vineyard?

The runway

What do you call a steak that is a girl?

Miss.Steak

What did the asteroid say when his trajectory missed earth?

I guess I didn't plan it very well!"

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?

Your mailbox is missing!

Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?

Because he was Snowden.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

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Why can't America play chess?

They are missing 2 towers

Why is the USA so bad at chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?

It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.

What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?

Weight for it...

Why is stormtrooper always late from work?

He keeps missing his train

Why did John Lennon get shot?

because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko.

What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes?

Karma, Whores.

What room is missing from almost every house?

a Mushroom

Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?

He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...

Why did the terrorists have to blow up a Paris nightclub?

Because their planes kept missing the Eiffel Tower.

What do you call inexplicably missing aioli?

Awoli.

Why are there three letters missing from the alphabet?

Because Charlie Sheen has HIV.

This joke may have profanity.

Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?

Because they always miss.

Why can't the train lady have a baby?

Because she's miss carriaged.

Which vitamine are feminists missing?

D

Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser?

Because he missed a split-end on a curl.

Why can't Americans play chess ?

Because they are missing two towers.

How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener

Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?

They always miss the shot

What does the guy who has been backpacking just a bit too long miss most about home ?

A home-cooked shower.

What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?

A right a right a right!

Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.

What does a redneck do when he misses his girlfriend?

Reload, take better aim.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

At 69 she always gets a frog in her throat.

What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road?

Dodged-a-Rango

What do you call a deer missing an eye?

No-eye deer.

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

Why does a dog lick it's balls?

Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.

Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train?

Because it went straight pasta.

What do you call it when a golfer misses the hole?

Fore-play

What do you call batman when he misses church?

Christian Bail

Why are there only 49 Miss Black America contestants?

Because none of them want to be Miss. Idaho

What did the boy say when his dog died?

What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

A P. Because it's like an ARR, but it's missing a leg.

Why was the composer late for work?

He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.

Who is missing an egg?

there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.

How do you know when a black chick is pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon and all of the cotton is missing..

What do you call a bear that is missing all of its teeth??

A Gummy Bear!

Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse?

In the foliage.

Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?

Because Paracetamol on fire.

Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful?

The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.

What do you call a missing psychic midget?

A small medium at large.

Why was the car naked?

It was missing a tire.

Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

What if the missing plane is still up there?

What " Did you check the sky "No." See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson?

Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?

She missed two shots, so she's a ho. I'll leave now.

Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?

She got a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

Why did the bat miss the bus?

Because he hung around for too long.

What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?

The Navy blues What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time The Dock

Why do Stormtroopers never laugh?

Because they always miss the joke

What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common?

A missed erection.

This joke may have profanity.

How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?

Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?

a duck

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet?

Urine trouble.

What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ?

A tiger has the mane part missing !

What's the difference between most people and planes?

Most people miss the twin towers.

What's missing from star wars 7?

Maybe SPOILER Nobody's limbs.

Which trees miss you the most?

Pine trees

Why were you speeding?

Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."

Whose funeral was this photo taken at?

John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said

Why must rabbits never miss dinner?

With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.

Why did the horse miss the joust?

He had the knight off!

What is Lionel Messi's favorite soft drink?

Si, era Missed

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

Help! My pocket's been picked!

Why did Dracula miss lunch?

Because he didn't fancy the stake.

What do bullets and I have in common?

We don't miss Harambe.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

What did the carnivore say to the vegan?

That's a missed-steak"

What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common?

They've both been in little boys.

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits at the next station

Why arent the americans playing chess?

they are missing two towers.

Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?

Because they're missing two towers

Why are storm troopers so clingy?

Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.

Why did the Italian miss his dinner?

It'a was'a pasta his bed time

How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..

What do you do when you miss your ex?

Reload and shoot again.

Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

What did the farmer say about his missing vegetables?

Lettuce pray they turnip.

What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye?

Him: I give up Me: A terrorst

What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?

Miss most of the film!

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Why did the veggie band sound horrible live?

Because they were missing a beet.

What do you call a person who is missing his left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg?

Alright.

Who's there ! Cynthia ! Cynthia who ?

Cynthia you been away I missed you !

What is can't short for ?

Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !

Why couldn't I run the Compressed File?

I was missing the important Bits.

What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle?

Octopus Prime.

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Frog Jokes More Frog Jokes

What happens to illegally parked frogs ?

They get toad away.

How does a frog fasten two objects together?

Rivets.

Universe Jokes More Universe Jokes

Which place has the strongest gravity in the whole universe?

Bed

Why does the universe expand?

All the Milky Ways. You get it.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a house cleaner and a thief?

The way they enter your house.

What's the difference between a preschool and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me...I just fly the drones!

Announce Jokes More Announce Jokes

Why did Steve Harvey announce Miss Colombia as the Miss Universe winner?

Because he couldn't pronounce Miss Philippines.

How are 4chan and Tumblr alike?

They usually announce a trigger warning before mentioning a school shooting

Crash Jokes More Crash Jokes

What did Mohammed Atta say to Larry Silverstein after the long flight?

Yo can I crash at your place?

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?

A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Harambe Jokes More Harambe Jokes

Why don't Muslims support Harambe?

Because it would

What was the REAL reason Harambe was executed?

He found Hillary's emails

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children?

Because he's not apparent.

How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

He's looking over his shoulder

Earth Jokes More Earth Jokes

Where is the most environmental friendly place on Earth?

r/Jokes, recycling rate is 98% here!

How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?

Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.