Let Jokes

Which one is the 'in' door?

Let me show you", says the manager, and 'e walks in.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot?

let me be your *soil*mate

Which one do you let in?

The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water?

Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.

Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll "Let it go! Let it go!" This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.

Who let them out?

I PAID GOOD MONEY TO IMPRISON THEM

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads?

She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

What did 6 say to 9?

Baby! Let's do a 69. Hahaha XD

How many ADD's does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go fishing

How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn?

China probably can pop corn in one minute.

Why are you here?

And Elsa answers: "Because they don't let me go."

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine &amp a small child?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let's not rush things, OK

Why did the snail cross the road ?

It is not clear yet , let it cross the road first. Update : It has been confirmed that it was to meet the Chicken who crossed the road earlier.

What did one pig say to the other?

Let's be pen pals!

What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window. Too soon

Which do you let in first?

Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.

Why do unicorns only let virgin women get close to them?

A: Because they are horny.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean?

I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.

Why does everybody else get the brunt of the jokes?

Let me hear something different.

When Chipotle says, "Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?

I pause, then say, "Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?

Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."

How about Santa?

Ok but let's add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'd just "let it go". My 6 year old told me this. I will show myself out now...

What is WRONG with you?

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let's see... ok... carry the 1... um... That would be everything

Why can't you give a balloon to Elsa?

Because she'll Let It Go.

Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

What is the favorite saying of a police officer in the Simpsons?

If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown shoot it down.

What am I called?

Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let's not focus on labels

How do you know that one of them is a Marine?

Don't worry he'll let you know

What's the one thing a hoarder has no trouble letting go of?

Their mind

What's the one movie Rick won't ever let you borrow?

He won't ever give you *Up*. No I'll show myself out . . .

Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage?

She's afraid they'll bring down the house.

Whose funeral was this photo taken at?

John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said

How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?

it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.

Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

because Santa came early! I'll let myself out.

Why should you never give Queen Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go.

How would you define yourself?

ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist

Why wouldn't they let Helen Keller drive a car?

Because she was a woman

What do you say to a girlfriend who calls you a lazy couch potato?

Well let me tell you...

How are that many Republicans candidates supposed to debate each other at once?

Throw a dollar bill in the floor and let the last one alive run for president.

What's the difference between a chickpee and a garbanzo bean?

I'd never let a garbanzo bean on my face

What gets you hot, baby?

Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there's a ghost! Let's get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*

What do post-impressionist painters sing when painting a Frozen landscape?

Let it Gogh!

What's the difference between an 8 year old and a big bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony

Who let the boys out?

Me: Woof woof woof! Her: Who let the boys out ! Me: Woof woof woof! Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET! Me: I'm going..

What did the bishop say to a large group of priest at the overnight camp for young boys?

Let us prey.'

Why do baby clothes have pockets?

I've never heard a baby say: "cigarettes,phone and keys alright let's go"

What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?

Let me call you Tweet heart!

What did one royal family say to the other before getting into a fight?

Put up your Dukes! I'll just let myself out...

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members. Ba dum tiss.

Why did they let the chicken join the band?

Because he brought his own drumsticks

Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

What does a sheepdog say when he sees something shady going down?

Let's get the flock out of here"

How many governments does it take to make an Egyptian happy?

I'll let you know when I find out...

Why should you slow down to let another car move into your lane?

good karma.

Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

What are you typing?

Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.

Where do I see myself in ten years?

I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

What do you call a hotel special that lets policemen stay for two nights for the price of one?

CuNO3!

How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Well first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.

What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease?

Let's name our sandwich shop after it

What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Who were the shortest people in the Bible?

Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver andgold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.

Where's the dog?

flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

Why shouldn't you let a Pokemon take a shower with you?

He might Pikachu.

What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend?

They both let me stick it in only one place.

What did Olivia Newton-John say to her doctor?

Lets get physical!

What's supposed to be funny, but let's you down?

This joke...

What's worse than a white guy walking into a church andshooting 9 black people?

He let the others get away... I feel I'll be downvoted to hell for this...

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?

A: It's too little to be out alone.

What did the priest say when watering his garden?

Let us spray.

What's the difference between a dog barking at the front door and a woman screaming at the back door?

If you let the dog in, it will shut up.

Why are you letting people touch your new born?

I don't let people touch my new iPhone

What do women and Google have in common?

They never let you finish first. (#s)

Who's there ! Ben Hur! Ben Hur who ?

Ben Hur an hour - let me in!

Why do I vape?

It's how I let off a little steam.

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique?

It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"

What did one cracker say to the other?

Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."

What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship?

Let's get on the ship, men!

Who has the better search engine: Yahoo, Google, or Microsoft?

I dunno. Let's google it!

What did the predators say before they went hunting?

Let us prey first.

Why wouldn't the piglet's mother let her read romantic novels?

She was afraid her daughter would run away with a wolf.

Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security?

It was armed.

What did the thief say when he saw the man leave his coat behind?

let's jack it.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a seven year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

How many chemicals are crack?

Lets get this done in one sitting.

Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?

Church " "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers

What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?

Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit !

What's better, Google or Yahoo?

Let's Google it.

What did the hen say to his bar pals?

Let's get some chicks!

Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money?

It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!

What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

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Start Jokes More Start Jokes

What word starts with "n" and you never want to call a black person?

Neighbor

What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

Today Jokes More Today Jokes

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"

How is today Monday?

It was Friday only a few hours ago...

Christmas Jokes More Christmas Jokes

What did the Reddit admins do for Christmas?

removed

Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?

Because his bread was stollen!!!

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

How is she now ?

She's fine. But the dog died.

Where do you usually find dogs?

It all depends on where you lose them.

Blow Jokes More Blow Jokes

What's the difference between love, pure love and excessive love?

Blowing Swallowing Gargeling

What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Scratch Jokes More Scratch Jokes

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

5 Year Old Nephew Jokes More 5 Year Old Nephew Jokes

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun. You hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun Edit: My 5 year old nephew loves this joke.

What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud Credit to my 5 year old nephew

Balloon Jokes More Balloon Jokes

How are a hobo and a balloon alike?

Both are without visible means of support. (My son found that in a children's joke book)

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

She'll let it go!