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Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

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What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

Four whore and seven beers ago....

This joke may have profanity.

How do Japanese people ask for rice?

Samurais?

How do you know if someone's a vegan?

When you ask them "Are you a vegan?" and they say "Yes".

What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan?

No home oh

What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?

Where my dogs at?

What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?

Nah. I'ma stay.

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them?

Don't worry they'll tell you

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What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

Check, mate!

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

Because he was barefooted!!!

What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?

Namaste

Why did Tina Fey cross the road ?

To get another Golden Globe. Tina Fey walks into the Tina Fey,the Tina Fey asks "How can i Tina Fey you ?to which Tina Fey reply,"Ah just give me a Tina Fey" and then leaves with a Golden Globe. Unbreakable is good.

What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"

What did Wiz Khalifa say when he was asked his opinion on the dress?

Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is."

What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

How did the mystic respond when asked what he's doing tonight?

Your mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What's the difference between a tuna a piano and a pot of glue..?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna What about the pot of glue reddit will ask. Hahahahaha I knew you'd get stuck there

How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch?

Tea, Rex?"

How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette?

Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.

What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream?

Sure, Bert!

Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white?

Because he wanted his dishwasher to match the fridge and stove

What did Oscar Pistorius say when his cellmate asked him how he ended up in prison?

I'm stumped."

Why do I have to say please when I ask for a sandwich at a restaurant?

They don't say please when I'm paying. They say, "That'll be $5". I should be able to say, "That'll be a sandwich."

What are your go to jokes?

I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ??

will i marry you?"

How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking?

Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.

What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?

ISIS

How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow?

You ask an informer

How many pixies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

What did the cannibal ask for in his burrito?

Human beans

What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

Two fingers.

What does the sterile man say when asked if he's gonna get neutered?

Vas the deferens?

How does R. Kelly respond when girls ask for a rating on a ten scale?

Urinate

When Lil John goes to a hotel and they ask him if he wants turn down service, does he refuse?

That's all.

Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant?

Because he was Messi

What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting?

They admit de feet.

What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?

Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)

What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date?

He got shot down.

How does one robber ask another how they're doing?

How are you holding up?"

What does a piano, tuna, and a bucket of glue have in common?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Don't ask me about the bucket of glue though... I've been stuck there for a while

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car, outside of a planned parenthood center?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat-hanger.

How Do You Make A Blind Man Angry?

Give him a basketball and ask him what it says.

What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?

Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"

What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

I D K"

How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?

You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger

This joke may have profanity.

How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date?

deleted

What did the mailman ask his girlfriend?

Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)

Why does internet explorer ask so many questions?

Because it's insecure. It has trust issues.

What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting?

I'm game.

Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan?

Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.

How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

Why wouldn't you ask the zebra for music advice?

Because he only knows about The White Stripes.

What Did MLK Say When Asked If He Suffered From Jock Itch?

I have a cream.

What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?

I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank

What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch?

It asked the digital watch for its hand in marriage.

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

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Ask Jokes

Where are the raisins today?

What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

How do Japanese people ask for rice?

How do you know if someone's a vegan?

What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan?

What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?

What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them?

What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?

Why did Tina Fey cross the road ?

What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

What did Wiz Khalifa say when he was asked his opinion on the dress?

What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic?

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

Why do old people read the bible so much?

What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

How did the mystic respond when asked what he's doing tonight?

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

What's the difference between a tuna a piano and a pot of glue..?

How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch?

How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette?

What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream?

Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white?

What did Oscar Pistorius say when his cellmate asked him how he ended up in prison?

Why do I have to say please when I ask for a sandwich at a restaurant?

What are your go to jokes?

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ??

How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking?

What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?

How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow?

How many pixies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What did the cannibal ask for in his burrito?

What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

What does the sterile man say when asked if he's gonna get neutered?

How does R. Kelly respond when girls ask for a rating on a ten scale?

When Lil John goes to a hotel and they ask him if he wants turn down service, does he refuse?

Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant?

What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting?

What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?

What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date?

How does one robber ask another how they're doing?

What does a piano, tuna, and a bucket of glue have in common?

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car, outside of a planned parenthood center?

How Do You Make A Blind Man Angry?

What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?

What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?

What can happen when a car breaks down?

What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic?

How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date?

What did the mailman ask his girlfriend?

Why does internet explorer ask so many questions?

What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting?

Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan?

How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse?

Why wouldn't you ask the zebra for music advice?

What Did MLK Say When Asked If He Suffered From Jock Itch?

What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?

What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch?

How Do You Start a Flood?

What's the best/worst dirty joke you know?

What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman?

What did the Headless Horseman ask his colleague at Bad Guys Inc.?

What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer?

What do all North Korean's say when you ask them how their day was?

What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him in for dinner?

How do deaf people meet online?

What do you get if you put four economists in a white room and ask them what colour the walls are?

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

What did the racist ask Santa for?

Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?