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When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

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What do I owe ya?

asks the neutron. "For you No charge."

Whats the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger

This joke may have profanity.

How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone?

I dunno. Ask the kids.

Why don't you play with your friends?

he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

What did the Redditor say when... What did Redditor say when asked why he failed his PSAT test?

TL;DR"

Whats worse than Bad command or File name?

Windows update message asking you to restart your computer

Why did the college student ask for a refund on his student loan?

Because his *degree* didn't work!

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?

push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

How do you spell wrong?

R o n g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for isn't it

What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?

He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.

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When she asks "is that your puppy?

say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

What did the wall ask the picture?

All together now!) ***"How's it hangin' "*** Skip

How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Why are you asking me that question Can't you see I'm busy!

What did the llama say when asked to a picnic?

Alpaca lunch!

What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic?

When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

What is Blair Walsh's favorite song?

I have no idea honestly, you would have to ask him

What's the best way to get a youthful figure?

ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte?

Just say "I don't know, make something up"

What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me No

Why do so few men end up in Heaven?

They never stop to ask directions.

What kind of sandwich is this?

She asks. "It cheese ma."

Why not ask the guy who took that picture?

Just kidding, I ran over it.

What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

A: Play ball.

What does the neckbeard say when asked what he did last weekend?

M'laundry."

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

How do you spell ichael?

The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party?

Vill i

Why did Yoda never get married?

Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife " His response was "Do I "

What did the Mexican princess ask her sister?

Tijuana build a snowman

What tool does a black lumberjack use?

An ask. (Explanation: Because most black people say ax for ask, it is swapped around.) Came up with it by myself, how did I do

Who did the philosophy major ask out for the Halloween dance?

Nobody. He was too 'Freud.

What's the difference between a preschool and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me...I just fly the drones!

How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?

Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"

How many reps would you usually do?

he asked. "A million," I rep lied.

Which is farther away- NY City or the moon?

Sister: NY City. Why do ask Brother: Well I can see the moon but I can't see NY City.

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex?

Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel?

Am I being retained ** **Am I being retained **

When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?

A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

Watson the menu

What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car by the abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger

This joke may have profanity.

What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate?

Ecru, Brute "

How can I buy the New York Times?

He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

What does COINCIDENCE' mean?

Student Funny, I was just going to ask you that.

What did the German say when the Spaniard asked him for some cheese?

Mi Kase es su Kase.

What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

Put a sock in it.

What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white

When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party?

He didn't have the guts

What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?

I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.

What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife?

Oh, you don't know I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.

What are homeless ducks always asking for?

A lil bit of quack

How do you give a quadriplegic a headache?

Ask him to hold open the elevator door

How do you get stuck in an annoying conversation with a stranger?

Ask someone vaping if you can bum a cigarette.

How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?

One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it !

Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?

Because his watch has ended.

What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

When my laptop asks "Are you sure?

it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Why should you never ask people with Down Syndrome to use a printer?

They always make an extra copy

Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?

Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"

What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?

HOOO did that!

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?

I'm funny that way.

What did she say about me?

Friend: She said you ask too many questions Me: She said that Too many questions Really Me ...What else

What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay?

I ain't no snitch.

What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.

What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

How much will that be?

asks the neutron. "For you " replies the bartender, "no charge."

What did the banana peel say when asked what happens after it's thrown into the compost pile?

IDK, i'm just a banana.

Who's...(loud crash as a battering ram demolishes the front door)...there?

We're the Ferguson Police Department. We ask the questions.

What laxative did the constipated man ask for?

Poop-ease

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist?

Ask them what 'unsigned' means.

How do you spell elephant ?

E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t "That's not how the dictionary spells it" "You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !"

How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

What are the similarities between feminists and hobos?

They both ask for change and never get any.

How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?

Just flush it like everybody else does."

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was?

So,so.....

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night?

X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark.

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)

Who likes music?

asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

How did you get here?

he asked. And the new angel replied "Flu..."

How'd you get that cut above your eye?

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

What I reply with when someone asks, "What'd the comment say?

Removed

What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

I love the pokey, mon.

What did the Native American pirate say when asked his heritage?

Arrrrrr Metis!

What does Ron Howard ask before watersports?

You down with Opie pee

What State do you go to to ask questions?

Al-ask-ya

How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?

Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?

Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.

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