Ask Jokes

How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

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Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?

He was already taking out a tooth

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?

Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store?

Because baggers can't be choosers,

How the hell did you get a body like that?

he asked. "Thanks," I said, "That's very flattering." He said, "Not really mate."

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?

SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!

How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?

I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.

Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?

You leave him hanging....

What position makes the ugliest children?

Ask your parents

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Coffee Mug

How many women have you slept with?

she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten " "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."

What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

Nah brah, tadah brah!

What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

How was work?

flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?

Because it is below C level.

What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?

O.K. you asked for it" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

How can we build this?

A business major asks, "How can we finance this " A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that "

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

What did Anakin say when the princess asked for his credit card?

Naboo

How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?

A: Tea Rex

Why dad?

he asks. Because my arm is getting tired

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

How did Paul, the octopus, originally die?

Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup " Paul died laughing.

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )

What did the potato ask the cow?

Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.

What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

Who's there ! Chair ! Chair who?

Chair you go again asking more questions !

How does a mathematician ask for money?

Give me 10! dollars

What would you like?

ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

How was the beach?

You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Why did you leave us so early?

He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.

How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

You ask them to leave.

What did Mike Tyson ask the really tired Norse god?

Are you Thor

Why do you need a door then?

I asked him.

What do you find in cells?

My Ans) Black People . . . I dont know why do they ask such weird questions in biology.

Why is PBS asking me for money?

If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.

Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears?

Britney asked to be hit one more time..

Who's winning Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game. "What's the score Gramps?

92 to 86." "Who's winning " I asked. "92"

What did the snake say when another asked him the time ?

Don't asp me !

What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

Because I saw so."

What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Going in to ask for a coat hanger!

This joke may have profanity.

How many flys does it to take screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How flexible are you?

He asked. I can't do Tuesdays. -Tommy Cooper

When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?

because you can never be too careful.

When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?

Because I couldn't find a fake car."

What happened to you?

the doctor asks. "I stepped on something."

What a BLONDE will ask the doctor in the maternity ward?

A: "Is it mine "

What are these?

Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.

What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?

Well it pizza heck out of me.

How do you make stupid children?

I don't know, ask your parents.

What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?

The other one answers: -Oh fifty dollars, like everybody else, why

How does Sean Connery ask for Worchestershire sauce?

x-post from askreddit) Worsheshershershosh.

What did Ryu say when I asked if I could have some of his food?

SHORYUKEN***

How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll ask for $15 an hour.

When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?

is unwise, apparently.

How soon?

the frail man asked, his body trembling at every word. "In ten." "Ten what Ten years Ten-" "Nine." "Eight."

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because they won't stop to ask directions.

Why are you always tired, Dad?

my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

Why are we running so fast?

asked one. "Because" said the second "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?

A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know " whenever you ask them a question.

When you talk to a good girl, ask 'How are you?

When you talk to a bad girl, ask 'How much are you '

What did the US President with Alzheimer's ask his wife?

Who are you

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

What made the vampire a gentlemen?

They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

What's your favourite Pixar film?

Up, yours " "No need to be like that I was only asking"

Who's your Daddy?

In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy " instead of "Who's your daddy " and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...

What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed?

I Duggar."

When she approached my car window I asked what's wrong officer?

She said "ugh nothing!"

How many are you?

We are three. - Three - Me and my brother. - You have a brother - No why do you ask

Which side is it best to lie on?

she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

Where have you been?

he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

Why Won't Anyone Tell me the Name of Ukraine's 5th Largest City?

They keep telling me to stop asking...

How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch v=rQegAi6d-MM

What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?

said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"

What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?

The landlord said "Sorry we don't serve spirits."

What would you say is your biggest flaw?

i step in in people's conversations" "i was asking *him*"

Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?

I don't have 2020 vision.

What's the matter?

I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer " "No, dyslexia."

What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner?

Carbon dating.

What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

Just asking for a friend

What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

How long have you had this problem?

the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

What did one atom say to the other?

I lost an electron..." The other atom asks "Are you sure " First atom replies, "I'm positive!"

Why you ask?

If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot

What did the kleptomaniacal compulsive liar say when his beekeeper friend asked him what he was running away with?

None of your beeswax!"

Why so glum Chum?

asked the kindly stranger. "If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister "

Where do you see yourself exploding in five years?

they asked.

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

and I have few friends in real life.

Why aren't you married yet" is like asking "Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?

B/c it's painful and not required

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay

What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?

A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!

How do you keep a group of women from talking?

Ask the oldest one to speak first.

What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

Nah I'ma stay"

How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy?

He didn't want any glaze in the military

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What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get?

Mine is a skittle.

What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's Log.

Quit Jokes More Quit Jokes

What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

Why would I want to quit smoking?

Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

Plan Jokes More Plan Jokes

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School?

Just planning ahead...

What's the difference between 9/11 and your birth?

One was planned.

Buccaneer Jokes More Buccaneer Jokes

How much does a pirate earing cost?

A buccaneer

Where are your buccaneers?

They're on your buccan head!

Point Jokes More Point Jokes

Why did Hillary cross the road?

What difference, at this point, does it make?

Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil?

The pencil is better. It has a point.

Wrist Jokes More Wrist Jokes

What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?

Rise up lights

What type of wrists are the scariest?

Terror wrists.

Pirate Jokes More Pirate Jokes

Why did the pirate go to Ireland?

he thought he was going to Arrrland.

What's a pirates favorite material?

Arrrgyle*YARRRN!*Thanks Bravesurf

Virgin Jokes More Virgin Jokes

What do you call a girl from Alabama who's faster than her brothers?

A virgin

What do they call a virgin down in the south?

Faster than her brother!