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What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......

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Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What did the car dealer ask the oscilloscope?

sin or cosine

How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?

Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit !

What's the difference between "Fake News" and CNN?

I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

What is wrong with me?

Asking for a friend..

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

What's so funny?

asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why do baseball pitches make bad doctors?

Because when asked to 'give it to them straight', they throw a curveball!

What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military?

Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.

When do accountants laugh out loud?

When somebody asks for a raise

Why are you crying Ted ?

asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her?

Namaste here

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Why are you so excited?

the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc this is my first operation." "Really It's mine too and I am not excited at all."

Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet?

It's usually a sorted affair.

What do you call an awkward questioner?

I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.

When asked "why?

he replied, "Tropical Depression."

What did the pirate say when asked how old he was?

Aye Matey!

Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?

A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'

What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

What's wrong with these eggs I ordered?

Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.

How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ?

Voodoo like to dance with me '

When you go to a regular movie, a friend asks you "so how good was the movie?

When you go to an M.night Shamylan movie a friend asks " So how bad was the plot twist "

How can you tell?

asked Mrs Jones "He just asked me if Cialis is right for him"

This joke may have profanity.

What did one Melon say to the other after it was asked marry it?

We Can't Alope

How do you make a motherboard?

I asked him. He said, "Tell her about my job."

What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked?

He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"

What's the worst question you can ask a blind date?

So.. you seeing anyone "

What did the bunny ask his boss for?

A raise in *celery*.

Who currently provides your Internet?

he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."

Where the hell did you get?

the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

What will it be?

asks the bartender. "ATCGGCAGGCTTCAGTTGCA" says the DNA molecule.

What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark?

Is that your final ant sir!

Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

What ringtone have you got?

Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got " Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown

What about the kids?

he asked. I said, "they're still together."

What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?

Shore.

Who would you ask for advice about a lion?

a lion or a gerbil The lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions.

What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy?

It was an ax-I-dent.

What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

What would you guys like to ask an American?

Nevermind they'll just tell you anyway

When I asked her why, she said "uhhh no real reason". I'm thinking, "no reason, huh?

So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.

What does Shaggy ask himself when he's in a bind?

What would Scooby doo

How many plug-in air fresheners does it take to mask the decay of human flesh?

I'm asking for for a friend.

How do you know Axe was invented by black people?

If it was white people who invented it, it would be called Ask.

What's the first thing the pope did after resigning?

Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.

What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.

This joke may have profanity.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

What did one bodybuilder ask the other?

How much do you whey bro

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself "what would the hulk do?

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

What products do you use for grooming?

she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"

Whatever's the matter ?

asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

What do you ask a Mexican girl you like?

Netflix and chili

What's the worst part about locking your keys in the car in an abortion clinic parking lot?

Going inside to ask for a hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

What should you do if a bird poos on your car?

Don't ask her out again

What are we waiting for?

the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory?

Asking for a friend.

Why is this wet?

she asks. "Because it's below C level."

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

Why do I need the life vest?

Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.

Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff?

Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?

Dolly.

What's your favorite kind of music?

Asked one windmill to another. The windmill responds, "I'm a metal fan."

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard?

The loser was 'thore'"

What did one fish ask the other?

So how do you drive this thing

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

Stop talking in secret code.

What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

Ask the NSA for a backup.

What did my roommate say when I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie The usual Suspects?

Is it about black people

What light through yonder window breaks?

ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why?

She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?

if u say its not ok they give it to u for free

Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup?

Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!

What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Why aren't you doing very well in history?

Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness?

Nobody asks, 'who's there ' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.

What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house?

I don't know.. I just don't see it.

How was your interview?

Munnu : It went good, but lastly they asked me show them my testimonial. Chunnu : So Munnu : I think I showed them the wrong thing.

What would she do for $20?

Wasn't there a joke before posted about asking what a girl would do for $20 or something A dirty joke I'm trying to find it but I can't....

How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

Ask them if they play league.

Why did the Band Geek ask the Football star for tips?

Because he's a waiter. (lol)

What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes?

Eh.

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

Where can you go on Reddit to ask questions?

Not /r/movies.

How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even?

my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.

Why is everything lying on the floor?

my mom asked Gravity, I replied.

When someone ask me... How are you?

I answer back... You mean in bed

Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix?

He was asking for directions.

What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?

No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.

How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Change it to what

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

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Doctor Jokes More Doctor Jokes

How much longer do I have doc?

Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what " Doctor: "Nine..."

What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back?

A Chiroptopracter.

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

When did this start?

and the gentleman replies, "When did what start "

What do you mean he's your half son?

What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

People Jokes More People Jokes

Why do people call the deceased "late"?

They aren't late.. They aren't coming.

Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

Wedding Night Jokes More Wedding Night Jokes

What did the polygamist horse get on his wedding night?

A double bridle

What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name.

Red Paint Jokes More Red Paint Jokes

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a shipcarrying blue paint?

Both crews were marooned.

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?

A: Both crews were marooned.

Scold Jokes More Scold Jokes

Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?

Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"

What did the Elephant say while scolding her children?

Tusk Tusk I am so sorry

Moose Jokes More Moose Jokes

What do you call a rebellious teenager whose parents are a lamb and a moose?

A radical mooselamb

What do you get when you cross a moose with a Mexican?

A Mexican moose

Buccaneer Jokes More Buccaneer Jokes

How do you hold a pirate rabbit?

With its buccaneers!

Where are your buccaneers?

They're on your buccan head!