Car Jokes

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.

This joke may have profanity.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What do you call a group of cars ?

A clutch !

What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ?

The registration of the car that ran him over !

What do you call a Spanish man with erasers for toes?

Roberto* What do you call a Spanish man with no car *Joaquin*

Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car?

So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"

When does feminism stop?

When the car breaks down.

What is the best thing to take when you're run over?

The number of the car that hit you.

What's the worst part about locking your keys in the car in an abortion clinic parking lot?

Going inside to ask for a hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

Why are you on this bus?

Aren't you supposed to be driving around in a car "

What should you do if a bird poos on your car?

Don't ask her out again

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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What car does Catwoman drive?

A Purrgeot.

What kind of car did J.J. Abrams send to pick up Harrison Ford for the new Star Wars premiere?

A Hyundai.

Who's there ! Bark ! Bark who ?

Bark you car on the drive !

How do you fit five elephants into a car ?

Two in the front two in the back and the other in the glove compartment !

What's a ghost's favorite type of car?

A Booghati

What do you get when cross the Dukes of Hazzard car with K.I.T.T. ?

General Lee speaking.

What do you have there?

Me: struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down Ham.

How did the inventor of the car advertise his new "horse-less carriage"?

He said it goes without a hitch!

What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

What happens when an elephant sits on a car?

It breaks the trunk.

What car do insects drive?

A Volkswagen automobile.

How can if you have a stupid dog ?

It chases parked cars !

What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

Why did the spider buy a car ?

So he could take it out for a spin !

What's the difference between driving a car on an empty tank of gas and having diarrhea?

One you're running on fumes, the other you're fuming with the runs.

Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night?

A: They couldn't fit a deer into the car.

What do you call a camel in a car?

A camel auto!

What kind of cars do rabbits drive?

Hop rods.

What do you do when your car is making a really annoying noise?

Open the door and kick her out.

Why should a good driver always carry weed in his car?

So he always hits the green when he's driving.

Why did the car thief drill holes in the air conditioning units of the cars he stole?

Because he my take your ride but he will never take your freon.

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?

A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

What is a bullfighter's favourite type of car?

A cabri - ole

What do you call someone who dances on cars ?

A morris dancer !

Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic?

He wanted to get his Car tuned

Why does a Belgian have a knife in his car?

To cut the corners!

What part of a car is the laziest?

The wheels. They are always tired.

What car did the Apostles drive?

Hint:Acts 2:1 KJV)

Whats the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger

This joke may have profanity.

What is the difference between leaves and a car?

One you brush and rake, the other you rush and brake.

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

a manual.

What do you call a mexican without a car?

CAR-LOSE

What kind of car does a viking drive?

A fjord

Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?

They were both driving their cars at the time !

What are you looking for in a car?

I said, "It has to be affordable" He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."

What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

Why do you have a black eye?

You'll have two if you leave your girlfriend's underwear in my car one more time!

What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car always goes missing?

Carlos.

What do you say when a singer/songwriter poops on your car?

CELINE WUT R U DION

What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic?

When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

How am I driving?

No seriously, how did I get here. This isn't my car.

Why don't we run through the parking lot?

me laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me Because it's dangerous

What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?

You get to the other side.

What did the car baby say to his car dad?

Hey dad, let's tell a joke for car ma!

Why didn't the car have a tire?

Because cars don't wear clothes.

Why aren't cars made out of wood?

Because they wooden go.

Why did Renault name a car "Le Car"?

So customers wouldn't accidentally drive Le Lawnmower to work.

What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen?

Carlos

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

Why did the chicken get run over by a car as it was crossing the road?

To get to the Other side

Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

Who's driving the car?

Theres a muslim a mexican and black guy in a car, whos driving .. **The cops**

What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car by the abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger

This joke may have profanity.

What is the meaning of afford?

It's the car most sales representatives drive.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

Time to get a new car.

What do people in florida do when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

What kind of car do ghosts drive?

BOOgatti!

Why did the chicken get himself run over by a car?

To get to the "other side".

What do I look for in a car?

A sound-proof cabin so I can sing every rap lyric regardless of the neighborhood I'm driving through.

Why couldn't the chicken cross the road?

Because he got hit by a car.

What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?

What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

What sort of a car has your dad got?

I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

Why did the leper crash his car?

He left his foot on the accelerator.

How do you top a car ?

Sister: Tep on the brake tupid.

What country most despises cars that run on gasoline?

Mad-at-gas-cars!

What was the car doing in the dressing room?

Changing attire.

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ?

Carpet !

What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ?

Jack-u-la !

What did the dog take when he was run down?

The license number of the car that hit him.

Where do dogs park their cars?

In barkinglots.

What do you call it... What do you call it when a bus and a car are put together?

12 Casualties

When is a car like a frog ?

When it's becing toad !

What did the bro say to the bro who couldn't make it to the party because he didn't have a car?

Do you even Lyft

What did the blond girl say when she saw the car?

Answer: That's the lost one right there.

What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning?

I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off

What do you call a duck addicted to crack?

A quack head. What is a ducks favorite snack Quackers. Why couldn't the duck drive his car His windshield was quacked.

Why can trains go for longer than cars?

Because cars get tyred but trains do not, with the exception of Rubber-tyred metro systems.

What kind of engine did you put in it?

cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one.

I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive West.

What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?

Don't look I'm changing!

What do you do when you see a space man?

Park your car, man.

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Shoulder Jokes More Shoulder Jokes

What was the executioner's favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders.

Why is it so hard to pull over on the Pirate Highway?

Because there's a parrot on the shoulder.

Respond Jokes More Respond Jokes

What's the best machine I can use?

The trainer responds, "The ATM"

What are you doing with that thing?

The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

What did one elf girl say to the other elf girl who wasn't sharing?

Stop being so elfish, Karen!"

How do you stop a metal from rusting?

Use some antioxidants

Break Jokes More Break Jokes

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Woman?

You have to drop the bomb twice.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Close Jokes More Close Jokes

What movie did they go to see?

Closed for Winter".

How do you hide an elephant in a fridge?

You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

Why are men better cooks than women?

Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.

What did the man say when he ran out of clothes?

Oh dear, it seems I'm shirt on clothes.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?

An Instagram account.

What's the difference between a terrorist camp and a school?

No idea man, im just flying the drone.

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What did the man with Verizon say to the woman with Sprint?

You better Sprint on over to the Verizon store.

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare