Difference Jokes

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?

A virus does something.

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What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload sand with pitchforks.

What the difference between the U.S. Government and a bucket of crap?

The bucket

What's the difference between a meeting and a funeral?

A funeral is a meeting where you're dead outside as well as in.

What is the difference between someone who worships God &amp someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one?

You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time

Why are guys so bad at math?

They can't tell the difference between 3 inches and 9 inches.

Whats the difference between Love and Herpes?

Your mother didn't give you love.

What's the difference between Wisconsin women and Iowa trash?

At least the Iowa trash gets taking out once a week.

What's the difference between a C4 and a feminist?

The C4 does something when it's triggered.

What's the difference between a chickpee and a garbanzo bean?

I'd never let a garbanzo bean on my face

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Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike?

Attire.

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

A Methodist will say hi when he sees you at the liquor store.

What's the difference between Tony Abbott and a coffee machine?

One is a cold heartless machine, used by everyone... ...And the other is useful with a Cafe. Gnite folks!

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is a watermelon.

What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe?

I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time

What's the difference between an 8 year old and a big bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony

What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player?

A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

What's the difference between a guy falling from the 20th or the 1st floor of a building?

20th floor fall goes: *Aaaaaah, BAM!* 1st floor fall goes: *BAM, Aaaaah!*

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

What's the difference between an erection and Colin Kaepernick?

An erection can make it past the semis, and still stand up if you sing for it.

What is the difference between ooh and aah?

Just three inches.

What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor?

Two Towers.

What's the difference between r/politics and r/sandersforpresident?

The url.

What's the difference between the England football team and a teabag?

The teabag stays longer in the cup.

What's the difference between sanctuary and prison?

Toilet paper.

What's the difference between yogurt and the US?

Yogurt's got a culture. (no offence)

What's the difference between me and my couch?

My couch pulls out.

What's the difference between a monster and a mouse?

A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.

What's the difference between Bad Jokes and Dad Jokes?

One starts with B and the otber starts with D

What is the difference between a tire and a black man?

The tire doesn't start singing when you chain it.

What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?

Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between a wedding and a funeral?

One less drunk.

What's the difference between the NBA and a pint of Guinness?

Nothing. They're both mostly black, with a little bit of white at the top.

What's the difference between a feminist and a battery?

Batteries have a positive side! inspired by: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zlrot/howmanyfeministsdoesittaketochangea/

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a farmer?

A farmer shucks between fits.

What is the difference between a camera and a sock?

One holds photos The other holds five

What's the difference between a paddling pool and a toddler?

The pool doesn't scream when you go in dry.

What's the difference between a jeep and a rental car?

A rental car can go anywhere

What's the difference between Prince and a White Dwarf?

Nothing, they're both dead stars.

What is the difference between an egg and a redditor?

Eggs get laid at least once.

What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th.

What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?

A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

What's the difference between a smart midget... What's the difference between a smart midget and a woman with a venereal disease?

Well, one's a cunning runt...

What's the difference between a refreshing beverage and an angry dragon?

One hits the spot...

What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots and shoots but can't hit, and the other...

What's the difference between a feminist and an illegal immigrant?

The illegal immigrant knows how to cook.

What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?

You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher?

Two days.

What's the difference between a Bull Dyke and a Bull Elephant?

about 100lbs and a flannel shirt

What's the difference between a man's balls and Jehovah's Witnesses?

There's none. They both knock on the door, but never goes in!

What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?

One can't see to go the other can't go to sea.

What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.

What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach?

No one ever told me to drink Naruto

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?

One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul... The woman In the bathtub has soap in her hole.

Whats the difference between an easily offended person and a gun?

A gun actually does something when triggered.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow?

Cows are real.

What is the difference between Chelsea and Leo di caprio?

Chelsea got Oscar. huehuehuehue.

What's the difference between a midget and black people?

A midget is a small problem. Black people are a huge problem.

What's the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

What's the difference between a 100 year old and a 4 year old?

What base you're counting in.

What's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer?

Hello, world" and "Goodbye, cruel world"

What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

What's the difference between a daydreamer and a pervert?

A daydreamer stares out of windows.

What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?

One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man one bicycle?

A tire.

What's the difference between a park bench and a black man?

hopefully not a repost) The city supports the bench. Badum-tsss

Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

Ones a snack cracker and ones a crack snacker!

What is the difference between a Train and an Hamster ?

The train got windows

What's the difference between a women's argument and a knife?

The knife has a point !

What's the difference between my bed and my imagination?

You aren't naked in my bed.

Whats the difference between a sly pig and a yeast infection?

One's a cunning runt.....

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the second is a simple command.

What's the difference between an elevator and a black guy?

The elevator can raise a child.

What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One is an array of cunning stunts and the other is an array of stunning c*nts

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between your mama and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't follow me around for a week after I dump a load in it.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks

What's the difference between a cake and a school bus ?

Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake !

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

In the case of the bmw, the pricks are on the inside.

What's the difference between a hobo on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

A tyre (attire)

What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?

A choice" is a decision you make. "To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce?

Nothing. Either way they're losing the trailer.

What's the difference between Batman, and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin. Ba-Dum-Tis!!!!!!!

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scot?

One says "hey, you, get off of my cloud", and the other says "hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe".

What's the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball ?

You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball.

Whats the difference between risky children and risky lesbians?

One runs when they have scissors, the others scissor when they have runs

What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team?

The guy would survive the first round.

What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.

What is the difference between diarrhea and a regular stool?

You can't gbrblblblbl(gargling noise) with a regular stool.

What's the difference between a feminist and a trash bin?

The trash gets taken out once a week.

What's the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What's the difference between a hammer and a mallet?

I don't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.

This joke may have profanity.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

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Regret Jokes More Regret Jokes

What's the difference ?

What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!

What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?

I regret nutting!!!

Arc Jokes More Arc Jokes

How do we know that Joan of Arc was French ?

She was maid in France !

What do you call someone who is obsessed with Joan of Arc?

A heroine addict.

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

Because he didn't feel well.

What should we call it when a man is beautiful?

Footseveral " No but I feel like you're on the right track

Price Jokes More Price Jokes

Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.?

because the prices were Solo

What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo?

An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.

Major Difference Jokes More Major Difference Jokes

What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?

Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.

What's the difference between a captain and a lt.col ?

A major difference.

Shirt Jokes More Shirt Jokes

How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on. Psychic: I'm a medium.

Why did the scale not wear any of his shirts?

Because they all had a tare

Hide Jokes More Hide Jokes

Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?

An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus

What shall I do?

Hide the tiddley winks.

15 Minute Jokes More 15 Minute Jokes

How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

How many kittens can you stuff into a microwave for 15 minutes on defrost...?

SEVEN.