Mouth Jokes

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth

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Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list?

You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his drink before it was cool

Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican?

Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!

What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

I don't want to put a repost in my mouth

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth

What is juicy on the inside, dry on the outside, and has "apple" in it?

A roasted baby with an apple in its mouth.

What's long and hard when you first put in in your mouth, but soft and wrinkly when you take it out?

A piece of gum, you pervert!

What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?

Nothing. It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

How are Cigarettes like Hamsters?

They're harmless until you put one in your mouth and light in on fire

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What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?

a soviet

Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full?

He is so misunderstood.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

What do you call a dwarf without a mouth?

Short for words.

How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their mouth is moving.

What is big and hard when you put it in your mouth and small and soft when you take it out?

A chewing gum you pervert

What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

RUN! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

How do you know that the drum riser is level?

The drummer dribbles out of both corners of his mouth

What do you call a Roman warrior with hair in his mouth?

Gladiator Get it? Glad He Ate Her..

What gets harder the longer it stays in your mouth?

Bubblegum

What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

What did the polite bacteria say to the mouth?

GingINVITEus in!

What should you do when you see a blond with a pin in her mouth?

RUN! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green?

A skunk rolling down a hill with a pickle in its mouth.

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

How do you suffocate a redneck?

Tape his mouth shut.

Why did the monkey put a bone in his mouth?

He wanted to smoke a joint!

How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?

His mouth is moving.

Whats red, 10 inches long, and makes your girlfriend cry when you put it in her mouth?

her miscarriage

Whats 10 inches?

What's 10 inches, has a big red head and makes my girlfriend cry when i put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage

How can you tell that the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling out of sides of his mouth.

Why is being a politician more difficult than being a ventriloquist?

Ventriloquists have to be able to speak with their mouths closed. Politicians speak out of both sides of their mouths simultaneously.

Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

How do you know when a mongol is level?

He's drooling from both corners of his mouth.

What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth?

Toothbrush.

What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak?

A dead bird

What is 19 cm long, pink and my girlfriend screams when i put it in her mouth?

her abortion

This joke may have profanity.

How does an idiot call for his dog?

He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

What's the thing that is about 5-6 inches long, it goes into mouth and when you rub it back and forth it produces a white liquid?

A toothbrush.

What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets?

The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.

What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?

Nobody is sure but if it opened its mouth to speak you'd listen!

How does a blonde call for her dog?

She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".

What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth

What do you mean you're not going to spank me?

I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you

How can you tell when the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.

What's the difference between an M&amp?

M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.

Why do men like love at first sight?

Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

Why'd the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool.

Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.

What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?

amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac

What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

What works better than anti-depressants?

A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.

Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?

Where else would people put th... Ooooooh.

Why did the funeral director cover his mouth?

he kept coffin

How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?

He foamed at the mouth.

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?

To catch her false teeth.

What is the difference between memory and ram?

I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

His desk is level

What has teeth but no mouth?

A comb or a saw.

What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime?

Don't talk with someone in your mouth.

What's 9 inches long, pink, and women scream when you put in their mouth?

Their miscarriage

Why was the frog down in the mouth ?

He was un hoppy !

Why couldn't the cat speak?

A: The dog taped his mouth.

Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?

A: So he could shoot his mouth off.

What u doing?

Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ?

The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !

Why does a dentist seem moody?

Because he always looks down in the mouth.

What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth

Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?

Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth?

Our miscarriage.

What goes into the mouth of a quarter horse?

Two bits!

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?

A: Down in the mouth!

Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?

Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."

What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common ?

Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !

Why was the man so down in the mouth?

Because he ate his pillow.

What do you call it when you thrust a hairy pole in and out of your mouth, and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth!

What's difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never paid to have a lentil in my mouth.

What did the mouth say to the nose?

Nothing; mouths can't ta... oh, wait...

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that

What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage. sorry.

Why are anorexic people cannibals?

Because they're always putting their fingers in their mouths.

Who's there ! Adolf ! Adolf who ?

Adolf ball hit me in the mouth !

What if sharks hug with their mouths?

Just sayin.

What has a mouth but no teeth?

A: A river.

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

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Garbanzo Bean Jokes More Garbanzo Bean Jokes

What is the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chickpea?

I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never paid a garbanzo to bean on my face.

Sip Jokes More Sip Jokes

What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it?

Who are these iron-mouthed warriors

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his drink before it was cool

Slave Jokes More Slave Jokes

What does Harry Potter say after he purchases slaves?

I expect to Potter-own 'em.

How many black people does it take to change a light bulb?

Seriously, I gotta figure out how many slaves I need to buy

Hate Jokes More Hate Jokes

How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters?

NME (enemy).

Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.

Profanity Jokes More Profanity Jokes

What is the most used language in programming?

Profanity.

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

Bad Taste Jokes More Bad Taste Jokes

Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?

Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican?

Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!

Oedipus Jokes More Oedipus Jokes

Who is Samuel L Jackson's favorite historical figure?

Oedipus

Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.

Bullet Jokes More Bullet Jokes

What's the difference between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson?

Only one of them knows how to dodge a bullet.

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...