Pay Jokes

How will you be paying, sir?

Check mate"..

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

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Why did the farmer's wife got angry at him for paying too much attention to his equipment?

He kept looking at his hoes.

How does the Pope pay for things online?

Papal

Why can't Zeno seem to pay his bar tab in full?

Answer: Because he kept giving half of what he owes.

What knight of the round table never paid with cash when buying something?

Sir Charge

Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice?

Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

Which side is it best to lie on?

she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

How did Jesus pay for our sins?

Pray-Pal

What would be different if men got pregnant?

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buck an ear!

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ?

Pack your trunk and clear out !"

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?

Because education pays off in the long run!

How are you going to pay for that?

Oh, just put it on my bill."

What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit?

Johnny Cash.

How do you pay a quiz master?

with finances.

What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?

Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

How do you get a hippie off your door step?

Pay for the pizza and close the door.

Why did the seismologist not have to pay for the damage caused by the earthquake?

It wasn't his fault.

When should you charge a battery?

A: When you can't pay cash.

How are whores and movies alike?

You pay up front for both and even if it's bad, you don't get a refund for either.

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

How much does a pirate pay for an ear piercing?

A buck an ear

How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?

On a piece rate.

Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise?

A: It was all-oink-lusive.

Why are drug addicts bad at billiards?

Because they only pay to shoot up the eight ball

How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

With dog diskettes!

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

What's the worst part about working in a glory hole?

You only get paid in tips.

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School?

Just planning ahead...

How does Amazon Mexico pay its employees?

In Jeff Pesos.

What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?

A: They stop delivering.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.

Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?

Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

Who him?

Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea?

A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.

What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common?

They pay their debts on time.

What's the difference between a chick pea and potato?

I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face.

Why couldn't Christopher Reeve pay his landlord?

Back rent.

What are you called if you are paid to be a thing?

A pro-noun!

How many of my parents does it take to mow the lawn?

None. They pay me to do it.

How much did King Kong get paid for his latest movie?

A gorillian dollars

How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

About a buccaneer!

How ?

I've paid him and i didnt sit in. I ran away

Why did she get entry to the pub without paying a single penny?

Cause she being she, wasn't even worth a penny. (/hehheh)

What attracted you to our company?

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Why did the janitor take early retirement?

Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.

Why do strippers hate roofers?

They always pay in shingles.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?

Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay?

Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"

What's the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas?

I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.

How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?

You pay for the pizza.

Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

Because it's on the house.

How much do deodorant factory workers get paid?

A pittance.

What do cops and sports photographers have in common?

They get paid to shoot black men.

What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?

The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

This joke may have profanity.

Why did the woman refuse to pay for her Brazilian waxing?

A: Because it was a total rip-off.

What is the difference between a cheap whore and an expensive whore?

One is your mom the other one gets paid more.

This joke may have profanity.

How did the hermit pay for his home?

A: Alone.

Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil?

Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

What's your five-year goal?

Me: Paid administrative leave.

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

a buck an ear

What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang?

Gangs don't have to pay for friends.

Why is post college life so easy for Lannisters?

Because a Lannister always pays his debts.

How does someone pay for a painting?

With Monet

Why couldn't Diablo get his bros out of jail?

He couldn't pay for Baal

Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills?

They're always looking for Grant money.

How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic?

Cash or Czech Edit: a word

What do you call a gigolo you don't pay?

A Free Willy.

What did you do today?

Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.

How do inmates pay for things in prison?

With ConCurrency, of course.

What should you do when a bull charges you?

Pay him

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

What do you get when someone refuses to pay the bills?

A Greek.

How does Germany pay for all these refugees?

Krautfunding.

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?

Amputee

What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef?

Atoll.

Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...

What would you do if a bull charged you?

Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.

What's the difference between a Lima Bean and a Chick Pea?

I never payed a hundred bucks to have a Lima Bean on my face.

How does a dog catcher gets paid?

by the pound.

What do you call a stripper you pay with noodles?

A PASTATUTE!!!

How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house?

Just pay for your pizza.

How many Swiss does it take to change a light bulb?

None. We pay a German to do it.

Why didn't the fiddler have to pay for anything?

Because it was all on the house

Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?

He was a little shoat.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck 'n ear

Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

How do aliens pay for their coffees?

With Starbucks!

What is school like?

It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry?

I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?

A family friend paying a visit.

Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way?

We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right

Why do zoos pay for simian liability insurance?

To avoid monkey suits

What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?

Paypal

What does a pirate pay for his corn?

A buccaneer!

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What's the difference between a woman coming out of church and a woman taking a bath?

The woman coming out of church as hope in her soul!

What do they say when a woman falls over?

FULL SPEED AHEAD!" Sauce: https://www.youtube.com/watch v=OA8TlOsVw#t=82

Garbanzo Bean Jokes More Garbanzo Bean Jokes

What's the difference between a chickpee and a garbanzo bean?

I'd never let a garbanzo bean on my face

What's better than having a garbanzo bean on your face?

Having a chickpea on your face.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What did the Urologist tell his newly accepted resident?

Urine.

How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

Corn Jokes More Corn Jokes

What do pirate farmers charge for their corn?

A buccaneer

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

Wheres pop corn?

Face Jokes More Face Jokes

What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !

What do fruit punch and a punch to the face have in common?

Both can knock you out at a party.

Buccaneer Jokes More Buccaneer Jokes

Where are your buccaneers?

They're on your buccan head!

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin' hat.

Hacker Jokes More Hacker Jokes

What does Santa and Hackers have in common?

They both steal cookies )

What do you call a hacker who can see the future?

A 4chan teller.

Chickpea Jokes More Chickpea Jokes

What's the difference between a Walnut and a Chickpea?

I've never had a Walnut on my chest..

What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas?

I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face.