Nail Jokes

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

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What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

Nails in their hands and feet

What's worse than having 10 babies nailed to a tree?

One baby nailed to 10 trees...

What's the hardest part about making a manicure joke?

You really have to nail it

Why didn't Jesus have any children?

He only got nailed by guys )

Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

What do Jesus and Muhammad have in common?

They both nailed a 2x4.

What did the roman soldier say after crucifying Jesus?

Nailed it

What do you say when a Polish magician performs a magic trick?

Nailed it

How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?

nail the other hand to the floor.

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

He's always nailed to the boards....

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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept on getting nailed into the boards.

What do nails like to do on the weekend?

Get hammered.

What's the difference between Jesus and a whore?

The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?

It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.

How did Jesus lose his virginity?

When he was nailed on the cross.

What did Jesus said to his girlfriend in the morning?

Damn, you really nailed me last night.

This joke may have profanity.

What is the difference between a painting and jesus?

A painting only need one nail to hang

Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?

It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!

What does a French carpenter say when he runs out of nails?

I haven't a clous.

What do you get when you cross Tom Cruise with nails?

A cruiseifixion.

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???

Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?

Yall nailed it.

What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus?

Nailed it!"

Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?

Because the date wasn't nailed down.

Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

Why is Jesus bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards.

What do you call a hula hoop with a nail on the inside?

A Navel Destroyer.

Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures?

Because they always try to mess with his nails.

What did Jesus say when he was nailed upon the cross?

Me! That hurts!"

What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while being nailed.

Why did the elephant paint its nails red?

So it could hide in the strawberry patch.... Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it worked!

What do you call a baby deer's droppings?

FawnDoo! Nailed it.

What is a carpenters dream girl?

What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.

What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?

Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?

What do you call a Nun that bites her nails?

A bad Habit. I'll see myself out.

Whats the difference between Jesus and a whore?

They both moan when you nail them, but only one of them actually enjoys it.

This joke may have profanity.

What is the difference between an oil painting and Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang an oil painting.

How is being married like puttin' on a tin roof?

If you don't nail her good she'll be at the neighbors.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do Jesus and your mom have in common?

They both got nailed all night.

Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?

He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What did Judas say after capturing Jesus?

Nailed it.

Why didn't Jesus get into college?

Because he got nailed on the boards.

What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer?

A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey?

Because he'd always get nailed into the boards

Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?

Because they fought both tooth and nail!

What do wives and shingles have in common?

if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

Where do noodles get their nails done?

At the spa-getti.

How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?

None. It is all tongue and groove

How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails?

A: Replace the nails with screws.

Why are your nails painted two different colors?

Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it

How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies?

He only got nailed once

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

What happened when the bike ran over a nail?

It popped a wheelie.

Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?

A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.

Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

Why shouldn't a dentist and manicurist be in a relationship?

All they will do is fight tooth and nail!

What did the Hammerhead shark say to his buddies when he got laid?

Nailed it.

Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...

What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?

Nailed it

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

The noise gave her a headache.

What do your mom and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

You only need a nail to hang a painting.

What's in your mom's tummy?

5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.

What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?

A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

How do you work the Dragon Balls?

Nail: Did you work the shaft

How do we know Jesus wasn't a virgin?

Because he got nailed three times.

Why do girls NOT like Jesus?

NSFW Because every time he gets nailed it takes him 3 days to get it back up again.

This joke may have profanity.

Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

Why didn't Jesus cross the road?

Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross

What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?

Nailed it

What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?

The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.

What do jesus and girls have in common?

The expression on their faces when they got nailed.

How do know a job's been done by a lesbian carpenter?

There are no nails, and no screws, it's all tongue and groove!

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What happend when the bike ran over a nail?

It popped a wheelie.

What happened when Jesus 'screwed' around?

He got *nailed*.

Why did Carrie Fisher enjoy doing her one-woman show?

Because she nailed that Solo.

What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?

He cut all his fingers off !

How can we possibly improve this?

Man invents wheel of cheese* "Nailed it!"

What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?

THE FEET, THE FEET, THE FEET!!!

What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ?

His portrait only need one nail

Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

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