Tell Jokes

Why did the cowboy get a daschund?

Because someone told him to get along little doggie.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How can you tell a black person is lying?

His lips are moving.

Why Won't Anyone Tell me the Name of Ukraine's 5th Largest City?

They keep telling me to stop asking...

How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you?

They grit their tooth at you.

What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.

How would you tell if the Queen was stoned?

Her Highness will tell you

How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball?

It's skirts versus shins.

What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples?

Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra."

How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra?

Go Bach and get a Handel on it!

What did one priest say to the other priest?

Do you know where my son is " "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm a necrophiliac."

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why does nobody laugh at zombie-Peter Pan's jokes?

He always tells them with a dead Pan face.

How do you know if someone is an Alabama fan?

Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.

How do you make an idiot think he's a duck?

Tell him he's a duck.

How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

One is weasely identifiable while the other is stoatally different.

How can you tell a dog from a tomato?

The tomato is red.

How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb?

He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

What did the hipster say... ...when he was told to get off the couch?

Nah-imma-stay"

How do you know the name of a Pokemon?

It will tell you.

Why can't geometry teachers tell good jokes?

They go off on tangents.

What did the left eyebrow told to the right eyebrow?

Hi brow

How bad is it, Doctor?

Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?

Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

How do you know if someone is a socialist?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How do you give a solipsist an existential crisis?

You tell me.

How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead?

A. The remote control slips from his hand.

What do you tell a slow tomato?

what Ketchup

How do you tell if someone is ticklish?

Testicles.

What did General Custer's advisors tell him before the Battle of Little Bighorn?

Don't do it, it's Siouxicide

How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman?

Well, there is a vast difference.

How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine?

He's the one with a parachute on his back.

What do you say to a girlfriend who calls you a lazy couch potato?

Well let me tell you...

Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?

Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

How can you tell ignorance from indifference?

I don't know and I don't care.

How do I big it?

Silly dad, the internet told me all you have to do is be a Christian.

How can a black woman tell if she's pregnant?

When she takes out the tampon the cotton is already picked

Why are guys so bad at math?

They can't tell the difference between 3 inches and 9 inches.

What do you call a guy who likes telling "dad jokes"?

A "groan" man...

Why are you just telling me now?

He said, Because I couldn't stop laughing.

What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?

Me too*

What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar?

Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy?

He didn't want any glaze in the military

Why can't you believe what an atom tells you?

Because they make up everything!

How do you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.

How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff?

Straight jack it.

Why did the cowboy get a dachshunds?

Because once someone told him to get a long little doggie.

How can you tell if a girls tinder profile is fake?

They're attractive!

What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across

How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?

A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top she's old enough. If it isn't cut the barrel down a bit.

Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact?

Well fangcy that!

What dog can tell the time ?

A watch dog !

How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."

How does one know a man is going to say something smart?

His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."

How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ?

By her suntan !

How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful?

A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

What's yer Rush Limbaugh?

Get back to me immediately and tell me if you love it or just like it.

What do you call a group of 8 hobbits?

a hobbyte Cortana told me that joke

What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach?

No one ever told me to drink Naruto

What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic?

You're dead to me."

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What do you tell someone who is bad at sign language?

You have bad hand writing

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie?

An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

How do you excite an idiot?

I'll tell you later.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

What is the worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's?

It never happens just once.

How much liquor does it take before you start telling racist jokes?

For me, it's about three fifths.

How can you tell when the blonde's boyfriend's birthday is?

when she has a belt-buckle imprint on her forehead

How can you tell when a Serbian girl isn't wearing any underwear?

By the dandruff on her shoes.

How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party?

Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

How can you tell if there is a pilot in the room?

He will tell you.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq?

They'll tell you.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life ?

Tell him a joke when he's a baby !

How did she tell them apart?

She looked at their last names...

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?

His lips are moving.

Why do Chinese people sound like lions when you tell them a joke?

Because they ror.

How can you tell someone's a navy seal?

they'll tell you in their novel.

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.

What did one pizza tell the other pizza?

A cheesy pun.

What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons?

Those are the wrong Sais.

Why did God make women last?

He didn't want someone telling him what to do

How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.

What does Walter White say when he tells a knock-knock joke?

I am the one who Knock-knocks.

What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor?

The doctor said it was all in her head

How can you tell your boyfriend has gained weight?

You fit into his clothes.

How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse at a hospital?

She's the one with the dirty knees.

Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese?

Because he's not a rat.

How can you tell if someone is from New York?

They always talk about how they're from New York.

Why do you hate me?

me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

You don't need to, they'll tell you

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?

Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window

What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.

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Virgin Jokes More Virgin Jokes

What do you call a 10 ten old Irish boy who doesn't go to church?

A virgin

What does the Pope Jean-Paul 2 and the little girl kidnapped by Boko Haram have in common?

The pope died a virgin

Hit Jokes More Hit Jokes

Why are police officers bad at Billiards?

They hit eight ball first because it was black.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?

It's rear end!

Truth Jokes More Truth Jokes

Why aren't there any "old husband tales"?

There are. They just get re-branded as "logic" and "the truth".

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.

Paddy Jokes More Paddy Jokes

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

What ringtone have you got?

Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got " Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown

Blue Jokes More Blue Jokes

Why did Chandler play the blues as loud as he could?

He wanted to harm monica.

What color were Kurt Cobaine's eyes?

Blue. One blue one way and one blue the other way.

Carry Jokes More Carry Jokes

Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donurs!

Why did the cowboy ride his horse?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

Bride Jokes More Bride Jokes

Why are wedding in Wales so inexpensive?

The brides are already dressed in white.

How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

What's the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle?

Attire.