Day Jokes

What happens to Eminem when he dies?

I accidentally this joke the other day. Do you think it has potential?

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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Coffee Mug

Why are Women like buses?

You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.

What did the Momma buffalo say to the baby buffalo on his first day of school?

Bye Son (Bison)

What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!

Why sugars are very unhappy these days?

It is sweet but still is not getting added do any thing!

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"

What's longer than most relationships these days?

This status.

Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station?

It is a day to be tankful.

What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?

A year in prison if there's any justice.

Where do ghoulies go to on the day before Halloween party?

To the boo-ty parlour.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Coffee Mug

How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?

Like what if you find a penny

What is simultaneously the best and sh*ttiest way to start your day?

Pooping

What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?

Unbereavable.

What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio?

Some day, Pinocchio's going to be a real boy.

What does Hodor start off his day with?

Raisin' Bran.

How was your day?

Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers

What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning?

Go Ahead Make My Day"

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers

How did the monster cure his sore throat?

He spent all day gargoyling.

What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day?

I want to know her secret

How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day?

None

How was your day ?

And he goes: " rrrrRough "

How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West?

By Bony Express.

What does a rock do all day?

Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)

Why is the UK suddenly a happy place?

Because now they too have a day to light fireworks on!

What do you call a T-Rex that's been weightlifting all day?

Dino-sore

Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?

A: Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

What do you call that which barks during the day and floats during the night ?

Your grandma's jaws

How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ?

Pupil: I get up early !

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

How do you spot a bad boss your first day on the job?

Check his/her pulse. (bitter at the workplace)

Why does more black people get run over during the day?

You can't see them when it is night.

Why does Tiger have to take so many baths?

Because he plays with Pooh all day.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.

Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ?

Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.

Where'v you been all day?

At the beauty salon" "Were they closed! "

What's Serena Williams' favorite time of day?

Ten-ish.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

When was Rome built?

Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

How about a scarf?

Johnny Depp's stylist every day.

Why'd the seaman cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock that day.

What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher?

Two days.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because then the children have to play inside.

What does Andre 3000's menorah look like on the last day of Hanukkah?

ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT

Why did the calendar give up on life?

Because he felt his days were numbered.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock?

Because it won't even give you the time of day.

Why the population in India is exploding these days?

Because everyone over there is doing IT!

How long have we had that pillow?

Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

When's the best time of day to start a diet?

4:00 For:Klock

Why Isn't The Media Covering This?

the media asks other media, peering into its media mirror, media-ing before a day of media in media.

Why was Han yelling at Chewbacca on their first day on the Millenium Falcon?

Because Chewie was making too many wookie mistakes!

What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it?

Money's tight these days!

Why did the employee get fired from the calendar manufacturing company?

He took a day off

What time of day is the saddest?

The mourning

What is that son of yours doing these days ?

2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh what's he studying 2nd Monster: Nothing they're studying him!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You meet new people every day.

Why did the peasant have poor judgement?

He couldn't afford better judgement I'll be here all day folks

Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?

I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Hella. How long does it take them Days.

Why did the calendar die?

It's days were numbered.

What runs all day but never gets tired?

Water.

What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day?

When the big hand touches the little one

What do you call something that's impossible due to physics?

Physics-ly impossible. There's your dad joke for the day.

How can a man go eight days without sleep?

No problem , He sleeps at night.

When do Arabs return their library books?

the day they're Dubai.

How do people see so much on internet these days?

They put on the Google!

What's the difference ?

What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!

Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?

x-post from /r/punny Because you can't end on a prep position.

What do communists do on May Day?

Paint the town red.

Why do librarians like the wind?

It says, "Shhh!" all day!

Where do bees go on their day off?

A: To the wax museum.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

Because everything is a steal.

What happened to your three week diet ?

Player: I finished it in three days !

What's a dentist's favorite time of day?

Tooth-hurty I'll show myself out

What day does the egg fear most?

Fry-day

What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ?

DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !

What you gonna do on St. Valentine's day?

What day is it " "Friday." "Shepherd's Pie."

What do you call a dog that is underwater?

A sub-woofer! Thank you, I'll be here all day.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins?

Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

What's the best time of day?

The Spanish Inquisition. . . . . . Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

How was your day, Daddy?

Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS! !

What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?

A: Bison

What do women want?

She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.

How are Americans and poles similar?

Running into one could really ruin your day.

Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus?

At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.

Why don't ghosts like rainy days?

Because it dampens their souls!!!!

Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people?

Because it wasn't right. I'm sorry bye.

What Would Beyonce Do?

Would she apply for a job Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."

Why are there no black cults?

Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

What day is /r/Jokes favorite?

Earth Day, it's all about recycling!

What do Mexicans say on their first day in America?

Jose can you see, by the dawn's early light...

Why wasn't Rome built in a day?

Because it was a government job.

What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

new gloves for the cold days

Why did Peter Parker get fired?

He spent all day on the web.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

What's it like living with Permanent Erection Disorder?

Some days are harder than others.

This joke may have profanity.

Who's there ! C's ! C's who ?

C's the day !

How was your first day at school?

Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

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