Mother Jokes

What is the worst thing about being an egg?

You only get laid once, and that's by your mother!

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Why do Italian men grow moustaches?

They want to look like their mothers.

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

What's worse than your mother-in-law?

My mother-in-law.

What are mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

What type of cow produces both milk and potatos?

Your Mother.

Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?

You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.

What's the downside to bigamy?

More than one mother-in-law.

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!

Who do you call a stupid whore?

Your mother, that is who i call a stupid whore

This joke may have profanity.

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What do you get when you put a tomato in your mothers shoe?

A spanking

How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb?

Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.

What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers?

The Daily Express.

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called?

One second mom, I'm coming!

Why were the strawberries sad?

Because their mother was in a jam!

How do you make an ugly kid?

Go ask your mother Courtesy of a hot dog vendor in Atlanta

What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

Well, that's the edamame.

Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

Because he was in de-nile

What do your mother and the ground have in common?

They are always full of seed.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mother!

Who's there? Budweiser. Budweiser who?

Budweiser your mother naked?

What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas?

When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother

What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers?

Blackbirds

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

Because he was barefooted!!!

Why does all Turkish men have a mustache?

because they wanna look like their mother.

What's worse than having your car impounded by the police?

Impounding your mother

What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common?

They both love Ten D's

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

What do your mother and a marathon have in common?

They are both doable as long as you don't mind following a bunch of black guys.

Why didn't the mother splinter call her son on his birth-day?

Because he's a little prick!

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

BYE-SON!

What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?

A pedi-file

What's the difference between a brothel and a circus?

Your mother never ran away to join the circus.

What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?

Your mother.

What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

What's the difference in Xbox One and your mother?

I genuinely care about your mother.

What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs?

Consuelo! My mother told me this one

What's the difference between your mother and a Mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck... I forget the rest but your mother's a whore

This joke may have profanity.

Who would you save first?

Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

Why was the little ink blot so unhappy?

Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.

What kind of dance does your mother do?

The MOMbo.

What's the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common?

They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?

It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.

What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because his mother was in a jam.

Why was the animal unhappy?

He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

Where am I?

Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

What day do most mothers give birth?

Labor day.

Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.

What did the lightbulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.

Why does a white guy go to a brothel?

For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel He's looking for his mother.

What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's IQ was below average?

SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?

Are you my mother

Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb?

Because it's baby food.

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?

Dad dad look what marma-laid' !

Whose mother likes rap music?

Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.

What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you?

You pull the trigger again.

What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

They are both over the counter strike

What is with 2016?

It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. sorry not sorry

Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?

Because two Eds are better than one.

What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

Look, Ma! No hands!

Whats the difference between Love and Herpes?

Your mother didn't give you love.

Why don't you take a train?

Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email?

He had no attachments.

What did the young witch say to her mother ?

Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !

What is hillybillys fantasy?

S&ampM . . . . .. Sister and Mother.

Why does a mother carry her baby?

The baby can't carry the mother.

Why aren't you wearing a coat?

Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?

Dual air bags.

Why was the young bear so spoiled?

A: Because his mother "panda'd" to his every whim!

Why was the little bear so spoiled ?

Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !

Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos?

Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...

What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone?

Miss ewe!"

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

For smoking in bed.

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

gtOnly if you go aks your mother.

Why did the strawberry cry?

Because his mother was in a jam.

What do you call a mother who is overweight and poor?

Beef on WIC

How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?

Hmm No risk do both.

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?

Mumbai

Why are you hitting that spider?

wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this

Why are south italian men so small?

Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand?

not enough sand.

Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

What does your mother do for a living?

She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."

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Cry Jokes More Cry Jokes

What bounces and makes kids cry?

The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

Why is 9 crying?

me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Vacation Jokes More Vacation Jokes

How was the beach?

You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?

A: A new bar

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train?

Because they're poor conductors! (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)

Why did the inventor of panadol think I had no parents?

I said I'm an orphan.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A BMW's pricks are on the inside!

Yesterday Jokes More Yesterday Jokes

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Human Jokes More Human Jokes

Why are fish cleverer than humans?

Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

What do cars and humans have in common?

We both burn gas.

Q Jokes More Q Jokes

What's a Michigander?

A: An Ohioan who can read. Q: What's an Ohioan? A: A Kentuckian who can count. Q: What's a Kentuckian? A: A West Virginian with a branching family tree. Q: And who the hell are you to be making all these rude judgments? A: Trauma counselor for tour guides.

Why couldn't the leopard play Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

A: Because he was always spotted.

Eat Jokes More Eat Jokes

What did the time traveller do after he ate the last bite of his dinner?

He went back 4 seconds.

Why don't we hear cannibal jokes anymore?

Because after they ate the clowns, nothing is funny.