Wife Jokes

Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives?

Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.

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Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Where are the groceries?

ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

How's the baby?

Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

What does the snowman call his wife?

Snowblower

What did the Cannibal get for dinner after offending his wife?

The cold shoulder.

What did the cactus say to his wife?

Aloe Vera!

What do you call a chicken with no neck?

A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?

A: A snowmobile!

What gets bigger every time I see my wife?

My wife.

Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking

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What do you think of my tweets?

Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge?

No, Woman, no pie."

What did the Chinese guy say to his wife after her botched plastic surgery?

Honey, why the wrong face

Which perfume do you use ?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

What about our child ?

Wife: What What child Husband: So you are not pregnant

Who r they 2 stop u?

Boy: My wife &amp 2 kids.

What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband?

I'm sorry but I love another Juan.

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

I'm not coming in *this morning*"

What did the Gorilla call his first wife?

His prime-mate!

When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield?

You can actually get through the minefield alive.

How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?

My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

What did Jay-Z call his wife-to-be?

Feyonce.

Why is it hard for Arab men to have a guy's night out?

They have to find babysitters for their wives.

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?

On a blind date

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

Stop talking in secret code.

How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses Me: Almost 1.

Why did the snowman leave his wife?

Because she got plowed by another man.

What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left?

You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why?

She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

I did not see that coming.

How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?

Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?

Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?

It's a bouqet of forget-me-knots.

What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket?

I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.

However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?

He wasn't single.

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

A: surname

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

Who slept with my wife?

and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

What is the definition of a Wife?

An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

What did my wife say to me?

I want a divorce

What the hell is going on here?

Wife turns to the man and says "Told you he was stupid."

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ?

He liked to chop and change !

Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

Because they finish each other's sentences

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man?

His wife.

What's on at the cinema?

Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

What's the definition of a Polygamist?

Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!

Why is your wife annoying?

Because she is always jalapeno business.

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What belongs to me but is used the most by others?

My ex-wife

Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her

What u doing later?

Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

How about a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what

How's your wife been?

Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours " Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

Why couldn't Muhammad pick his wife up from childcare?

Because Muslim girls can't go to school

What do you love most my natural beauty or my body?

Wife: Your sense of humor.

How did the Newfie get his wife pregnant?

and you call us stupid.

How can I buy the New York Times?

He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

A: About fifty pounds.

What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit?

He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."

Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!

Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

Why do they call boats "she"?

Because the wives had to get on board somehow.

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Ughs and kisses!

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

Babe, it's a valve!"

What did you get me for Mother's Day?

3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it 3: You haven't made it yet.

What's the difference between my wife and the dress?

The dress is white and gold

What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?

Oy vey!"

Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

Where are the posters?

WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

Why did you name your son Tinnitus?

I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.

Why did the chicken cross my wife?

Because I ran her over in the street.

How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend?

Explaining his wife.

What's the difference between wife and a blue whale?

About 10 pounds.

Why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife?

Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.

Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion?

He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".

How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge?

Tequila

When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?

When I do her hair: "How about a hat "

What is 10 years with me?

Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

What is a traitor?

A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.

Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha- glares at wife I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

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